1) It's probably gonna cost you somewhere between 6 and 10 bucks.
2) You're also gonna need a good two hours to devote to it, and like the money, you ain't getting that back.
3) Do you see the picture over there ---->? If you had to characterize his manner of speaking, what would you choose? Whispering? Shouting? Pompous bellowing? I'd lean towards the latter of those three, too, and now try and imagine a full length feature film wherein that is the only way folx communicate. Yeah.
4) Shirtless dudes to scantily clad ladies ratio --> 300: 1.
5) Sloooooooooow mooooootiooooon allllllllllll oooooooooooffff tttttttthhhhhhhhhheeeeeee tttttttttiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmeee iiiiiissssssss rrrrrrreeeeeaaaaaaaallllllllllllyyyyyyyy aaannnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooyyyyyyiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnggggggg.
6) You know how it ends already.
7) Apparently the Persians circa few thousand years ago were all gray skinned monsters. Who knew?
8) There's a needless subplot about the wife and politics and I don't have the energy to go into it.
9) After the 15th pointless slow motion decapitation, you get kinda bored with it.
10) For some reason one of the Spartans looks like this guy:
And they DON'T play it up for laughs.
11) Every mundane gesture gets verbally slobbered all over by the voiceover dude. Example from how I imagine the script:
(Leonidas picks up his sword)
Voiceover Guy: Leonidas was skilled with the sword from the start, his inner steel matched the strength of his blade, in his glorious youth he had slain eight mountainous wolf beasts in an epic struggle over the rights to feed on a felled deer yadda yadda yadda....
Or
(Yookpilones takes a bite from an apple)
VG: Oh, the Spartans were a hungry bunch, but their hunger for battle was even greater, indeed in taking a bite out of his apple Yookpilones yearned to do the same to his foe, the hordes of the Persian Empire who had massed on yonder shore....
All of this would be filmed in slow motion, of course, while the hero gazes thoughtfully into the distance or at a fallen comrade or straight into the sun.
12)There are all sorts of eye-rolling inducing winks and hints at our current war in Iraq, things like "We are at war, why can't you realize it, we have to stand and fight!" and "Freedom comes at a price."
13) Leonidas has a stupid looking beard.
14)One homeboy takes out a charging rhino with his spear.
15) There's a group of dudes who all look just like the Emperor in Return of the Jedi. Struck me as kind of a rip off, specially since they're baddies, too.
16) The archetypal noble queen totally bangs the bad guy, and then she murders him, and then, surprise surprise, she has a witty little thing to say to him as he dies. Cliche factor 5.
Bad Guy: I'm turning the tables on you and exposing you as a whore and doing generally evil things blah blah blah....
Queen: How dare you!
Bad Guy: Blah blah blah whore blah blah blah I banged you blah blah blah...
Queen: (steals his sword and stabs him in the gut)
Bad Guy: Whoa, I wish I hadn't been bad.
Queen: I am going to say something witty as you die that will make your death even worse, so there!
17) There are all these cool giant monster guys that have like 10 minutes of buildup and then die in 10 seconds. There's this one dude who's chained up by the Persians (so you know he must be super badass) and he's like 8 feet tall and his face is all fucked and everything, and we see him coming to the battle for like 10 minutes, roaring the whole time. Seriously, imagine like this:
Goliath guy: (10 minutes) Raaaaaaaarrrrr rarrarararara!!! ARRRRRR!!!!! (/10 minutes)
Leonidas: Hello extra ugly and tall bad guy. I will kill you!
Goliath: No you won't!
(Leonidas kills him) (End Scene)
18) For some reason Sparta has a giant pit in the middle of town. They should put a fence up or something.
19) People have weird accents. One dude's from Australia, another's from the UK, another's from India, etc etc.
20) The Greeks are wholly good and the Persians are wholly bad. From what I know about both peoples, I think I'd've rather been living in Perseopolis about this time than Sparta.
21) The Spartans are a fucked up people, and yet they're cast as the absolute good. These guys threw babies who weren't up to snuff out into the woods, enslaved their neighbors so they could perpetuate their warrior culture while 'lesser' people minded the fields and whatnot, and generally caused lots of problems. Give me the Persians with their cool elephants and shit anyday. Plus, number of brothels per civilization seen in 300: Persians -1 Spartans - 0. Check. Mate.
22) Leonidas has to bust his ass to get up to this Greek temple on the top of this inaccessible rocky protrusion, and then there's like 8 old guys up there. And they later get visited by flabby bad guy and his cohorts. How the fuck did they all get up there?
23) Dudes stand around and talk about their hearts a lot. "My heart is filled with love" "my heart is filled with hate" "What fills your heart?" and so on. Gay.
24) I started pulling for the Persians about 1/4 of the way through the movie.
25) The Persians are constantly falling down. Falling off of cliffs, falling to the bottom of the sea, falling off of horses, etc etc. What's with that?
26) Sin City was way better. It was fun. 300 isn't.
27) Enough with the comic book movies. I love comic books, but just b/c someone has an idea and it was in a comic book doesn't mean it should be made into a film.
28) I nearly walked out.
300) It's worse than Mel Gibson's The Passion.
