Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Flat Stanely

I recently had a visitor here in the Korea. My cousin Natalie, who's about 6 years old, was asked by her teacher to dispatch the ill fated Flat Stanley who, as his name suggests, was flattened in some sort of mishap involving a large book and then appropriately enough realized life is too short and that he wanted to see more of the world while he still can. And so he was sent to me.

The idea is that I "show" him around town, take pictures of him at a few interesting places in my community and send him back home better traveled and perhaps a little wiser. Having done that, I would now like to show you some of the fun he and I got up to during his all too short visit.

Stanley at Bupyeong station, near my apartment. I live down the street that runs between the two buildings on the left.
Stanley on a hill overlooking my school and some apartment buildings.
Stanley at the front door to my school. Don't ask me what all that says.
Stanley in Bupyeong's annoyingly crowded underground market. Whenever I walk from my apartment to the station I have to go through this miles long maze of distracted ajummas.
Stanley considering his options in front of a (surprise!) Korean restaurant.
Stanley getting ready to board the subway.
Stanley overlooking the Han river and the 63 building in the distance.
Stanley in Gwanghwamun, Seoul.
Another shot of Gwanghwamun.
Stanley in front of Duksugung Palace.
Stanely in front of the statue of King Sejong.
Drunken Stanley annoying some Koreans on the late bus ride home.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The North


I want to go everywhere. You name the place on this planet, and I want to visit it. But the country I want to visit more than any other lies about 100 miles north of where I now sit. It's been my hope that during my time here in the south that I'd be able to make it there, but for westerners, and especially for Americans, that's a difficult proposition.

So second to actually visiting myself...this will have to suffice. It's called "The Vice Guide to North Korea" and it's a video account of how one guy got in and got to look around. If, like me, you share a fascination for the last isolated outpost of weirdness on this little blue orb we call home then you should check it out.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Believe it or not, I miss Burger King

In my old life, as a frequent fast food patron, Burger King was pretty far down on my list of places to get my greasy fix. But here in the Korea my options are pretty much limited to McDonald's, McDonald's, or McDonald's, which can really get old pretty quickly, and so the following video not only made me laugh but made me start craving a Whopper...


Human Head Found In Hamburger

Monday, February 25, 2008

Starship Kimchi

I wish I could claim credit for that wonderful headline, but the author of this article has to be given his due.

The article is basically about S Korea's first astronaut, and all of the trouble Korean food-scientists have gone to in order to ensure that he has his kimchi whilst in orbit.

It's worth a read for its lighthearted look at something Koreans take very seriously, and for nuggets of insight like this:

"It is hard to overstate kimchi’s importance to South Koreans, not just as a mainstay of their diet, but as a cultural touchstone. As with other peoples attached to their own national foods — Italians with their pasta, for example — South Koreans define themselves somewhat by the dish, which is most commonly made with cabbage and other vegetables and a variety of seasonings, including red chili peppers.

Many South Koreans say their fast-paced lives, which helped build their country’s economy into one of the biggest in the world in a matter of decades, owe much to the invigorating qualities of kimchi. Some take a kind of macho pleasure watching novices’ eyes water when the red chili makes contact with their throats the first time. And when Korean photographers try to organize the people they wish to take pictures of, they yell, “Kimchiiii.”

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Good Lord

I liked this, two of my favorite people...Patrick Stewart and Ricky Gervais.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Another crazy dog story from "the Korea"...

No, not one of my own making. A 52 year old man in Jongno, Seoul (that's one of the good parts of town, btw) stole his landlady's dog, killed it, and was trying to eat it when the fire department showed up (because he'd created a small fire in preparing to roast the chihuahua).

And to clarify, whenever I write "the Korea" it's not because having repeatedly dumbed down my vocabulary and also having succumbed to the persistent grammatical errors Korean English speakers make that I have lapsed into some sort of strange anti-grammar dialect, rather it's because "the Korea" is one of the repeated mistakes I hear Koreans make that seems funny/charming to me.

Another would be adding pronunciation to the final letter in words like orange/strange/change, so that it's pronounced "orang-ee/strang-ee/chang-ee." I also enjoy how easily Koreans confuse "fun" and "funny," so that often they'll say something like "I went on the roller-coaster, it was very funny."

Anyway, digression ended.

One more picture...

This one just got uploaded to facebook...me chomping on a chicken's foot in our hostel on New Year's Eve...

Monday, February 18, 2008

Pictures of You

Actually, pictures of me, but I just really like that Cure song. And besides I'm you to you, it's only for me that I'm me, not you.

Anyway, from the last few months, including my recent China & Thailand trips:

My Christmas pileup (half of it, anyway)-

My classroom, the "English Only Zone"-


The front of my school, on a typically frosty day-

A giant golden bell that some sky god dropped to the earth, that's my guess anyway-

Buddhist younglings-


Can you imagine having to stand like that for eternity? Ouch-


Some palace in Bangkok-


My own private beach (mas o menos) in Koh Samet-


Looking the other way-


My bungalow was the blue-roofed structure obscured by the coconut trees, the hammock, and the other elements of paradise in the foreground-


The Beijing gang, from left to right- Joey, Julie, Dave, our hero, Feizal-


Me and Joey in Tiannamen Square-

Also in Tiannamen-


In front of the entrance to the Forbidden City-

Our biggest feast of the trip, Peking duck was a part of it but in the foreground you can see a dark brown hunk of meat on the plate there. That was donkey. And it was good-

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Korean/Dogs News

Koreans are making international news lately because of something they want to do to dogs, and not, it's not eating them. It's cloning them. For about $125,000 you can bring long-dead Fluffy back to life and right the wrong done by the slow braking bus driver.

I don't have any moral issues with cloning but like every other Matrix-reared child of the late 90s I've been conditioned to be wary of technological progress and can't help but wonder if this is the first step down a road that leads to something like the zombie dogs from Resident Evil.

If these Cerebus wannabes do show up I guess the Koreans can eat them. Problem solved.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Counting Cash

Did you know that people around the world count their money in different ways? Well, I did, because I'm a seasoned world traveler and all [/dubious self-promotion], but I didn't know about all of the varied ways, especially in Asia. And I can confirm that the Japan/Korea portion of this video is 100% accurate, except they do it much, much faster than he does. Watch:


How People Count Cash? - Watch the top videos of the week here

Another School Shooting

Well, it's happened again. Some lunatic with access to firearms killed 5 innocent people and himself in Illinois recently. Here's part of the reason why:



Vote Democrat

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Today in Konglish

These are the climes that try men's souls


It's cold. Really really cold. Mind-numbingly nuclear-winterish perfect-for-dog-sledding cold. The kind of cold that makes you want to wrap up in a dozen or so blankets and, bear-like, not reappear until sometime mid-May. I am just not used to this.

So these drastic climes in which I live have forced me to take drastic measures. Having gone in search of long johns, I found only the black tight-like undergarments you see pictured to the right.

The "long johns" in question could be best described as form-fitting, and as such are pictured without the wearer. Since my own form, when witnessed in its natural state, looks something like an oversized pear that's been left out in the sun, I decided to spare the author that particular ignominy and the viewer the loss of his or her most recent meal.

But dammit, they keep me warm.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

So I Just Made My First Political Contribution

And it was to the campaign of this man.

Please, if you're an American and you're politically aligned at all with the left, then please contribute to his campaign. He has a real chance of beating the dark lady and winning the general election. And that would mean a lot for the country of my birth.

Do excuse me if it sounds like I'm a little late to the party, or as if I'm jumping on the bandwagon, but I've been an Edwards supporter from day 1 and would be still were he still running.

But that day is done. Obama is winning, and more importantly, he can win. Support him.

And is there a better line than the one he delivered in the speech below? It gave me honest to gawd chills when I first heard it. "Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or some other time. We are the ones we have been waiting for. We are the change that we seek."



Jon Stewart had a great quip after he viewed the following clip. "Jesus, did I just get inspired by Ted Kennedy?!" Well, I did too. Watch it if you'd like.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Today in Konglish

It's not just for New York anymore...


I love my hometown, and I love to see it move up in the world. All of the growth that has happened there, the endless stream of national magazines' lists putting it at or near the top of a 'Best Places to Live,' and mini-triumphs like the Hurricanes' winning the cup...they all make me feel a little warm and fuzzy inside.

So here's the latest accolade for the burgeoning metropolis I once called home. Like the mega-cities to the north and east Raleigh now too has its own paranoid terrorist scare.

Sweet.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Namdaemun Burns



There apparently was a big-azz fire at Namdaemun last night, you can read about it here.

I've been through Namdaemun many times, it was an impressive structure right in the heart of Seoul. It's a couple of blocks over from Seoul station and it bestrides a major market which bears its name (my reason for being so near, honestly big-azz gates, historical or not, don't do much for me). Nevertheless it's a shame to see it go up like this.

Saturday, February 09, 2008

The Year of the Rat


I was lucky enough to spend Chinese New Year in Beijing this year and because I couldn't be bothered to take my camera out of my pack a single time I have only this google-lifted picture to share with you of the experience (that is, until my friends upload their hundreds of pictures onto facebook) so I'm left with only the imprecise descriptive tool that is the written word to try and recreate what it was like.

Imagine, if you will, a city of millions. Imagine that each one of those millions has in his or her hand a dozen or so fireworks of different color, size, volume, and explosive shape. Imagine that on midnight of the New Year those millions of people rush into the city street nearest their home and begin doing what comes natural with fireworks. Imagine they've all been drinking, and as such aren't as concerned about safety as a professional fireworks-teer would be. If you can conceive of that then you have some idea of what I experienced in the wee hours of the first day of the Year of the Rat.

Now, bear in mind, I'm not talking about sparklers or some other sort of kiddie shi'ite. This was the real deal, and although it was easier to find a needle in a haystack than it was for a pasty foreigner to purchase fireworks in advance of the festivities, somehow all the native hosts of Beijing had in their possession at the midnight hour scores of colorful explosives. It's almost as if they'd been saving them all for themselves, or storing them up all year. Hell, they probably were.

Not that once things started rolling they weren't willing to share. I saw plenty of whities set off plenty of finger-tippers. I just didn't join in.

Now if this sounds at all like a complaint, or if it sounds like I didn't enjoy it completely, I don't intend it to. It was fantastic. It was beyond words. It was one of the most incredible spectacles I have ever witnessed. I loved every second of it.

There were other good parts in my trip. Donkey meat is surprisingly tasty. The Chinese people I had the good fortune of meeting, talking with, and sharing adult beverages with were all incredibly kind, funny, and most importantly: interesting. Peking duck is just as good the second time around. But nothing can compare to that citywide fireworks show. Chinese New Year is really something someone should experience in China once in their life if they can.

Oddities


So I saw this picture online today and felt obliged to share it. The romanized Korean mean "It is a foreigner!" which is something I hear often when doing odd things like shopping for groceries, buying a pizza, or walking down the street. Or, at least, things that appear odd to Koreans. Or odd for a foreigner to do.

Actually I shouldn't be so crass, I live in a big city and more or less blend in, it's rare that I hear something like this these days, and when I do it's almost invariably from some doe eyed Korean kid. It's still annoying though.

I recently took holiday* in Thailand, a country that's crawling with waegookins of all stripes and which is at least superficially accommodating of them, and upon returning to my arctic home in the frozen north it was hard not to notice the stares and mutterings of the locals. So perhaps I'm a little oversensitive right now. But hey, it's a funny picture.

At one point during my Thailand sojourn I was playing pool with a talented bar maid (she beat me in like 5 games straight, despite obviously trying to throw the last two my way) and the song featured in the video below came on. I think it's oddly appropriate not only in matching the picture above but in encapsulating my Thailand experience, and it's also really good, and so I humbly submit that the oddly patient blog reader who has made it this far may want to listen to it.

David Bowie's Space Oddity:




*I was recently complimented (at least I think it was a compliment) by a fellow American expatriate on how well I've adjusted my word choice to accommodate the Canadians, Brits, Aussies and others formerly under the aegis of the queen. For example I no longer say "I'm going on vacation" but rather what I wrote above. I've also been known to use "football" in lieu of "soccer." The Times, They Are a'Changin.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Newsflash: People Other Than Americans Are Stupid, Too


I love stories like this one, which details how 1/4 of the British public thinks Winston Churchill never existed and 60% of Brits think Sherlock Holmes did. I get so tired of reading news reports in the foreign and domestic press and watching TV shows ridiculing Americans for their stupids responses to basic questions about history and literature and other areas of general knowledge. It seems like every week there's some story out about how "72% of Americans think Jesus rode a dinosaur to have lunch with King Arthur" or something like that.

Don't get me wrong, Americans are stupid. It's just that they're not exceptionally stupid. Everyone is stupid. Especially when you surprise them on the street, shove a microphone in their face and give them 10 seconds to answer a question like "who were Reagan's Supreme Court nominees?"

Anyway, it's nice to see that Great Britain, a country regarded by my own countrymen as a nation of intellectuals, is just as full of dummies as the rest of the world. Bravo.

Today in Konglish

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

How to Get Kicked Off of a My Little Pony Message Board


If you have a sense of humor, you might find this amusing.

I wish I were MyLittlePonyBuiltMyHotRod, but alas, t'ain't so.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Fan Death Kills Again


I don't think I've mentioned fan death on my blog before, and those of you living outside of Korea might have no idea what it is. Let me try and explain. Bear in mind that the vast majority of Koreans (my guess would be 90%+) and essentially everyone in the Korean media believe every word that follows in my explanation.

Fan Death: if you fall asleep in an enclosed room (with no windows open and the doors shut) and leave a running fan blowing inside the room there is the possibility that the fan will suck out your breath like some sort of vengeful phantasm and you'll suffocate. Hundreds of people have supposedly succumbed to this health hazard.

Now, obviously, it's a big steaming crock of shit. But that matters for naught...I know several educated, thoughtful Korean adults who argue passionately in favor of the existence of fan death and who when pressed to supply evidence for the logistics of the threat will begin talking about miniature vacuums and unusual air flow.

It may not surprise you, dear reader, when I hasten to inform you that most of the victims of fan death are lonely alcoholics, depressed teenagers, spinsters, and others who are perhaps more inclined than the rest of us to view suicide as a rewarding and fulfilling temptation. Indeed it's almost as if fan death is used by the victims' families to cover up discussing what appears to be a more obvious, albeit more painful, cause of death. It's easier to blame fan death for little Jimmy Kim's departure than suicide brought on by the crushing pressure Korean society puts on its young people to excel academically.

Anyway, here's a recent news report about the death of an old alcoholic at the hands of his fan. It's all in Korean, of course, but it's only 30 seconds and if you view the clip you'll be treated to a melodramatic close up of the victim's body lying beneath the murderous appliance.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

How to Make a Korean Pizza

This is hilarious and, sadly, mostly accurate.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

My favorite religious song...

...it is the holiday season, after all. From the Concert for George:

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Fuckin' USA

Some North Korean propaganda I stumbled upon:

Sunday, December 23, 2007

I am Tom Wolfe


Subtitle: Author of a bloated, morally bankrupt waste of time entitled "I am Charlotte Simmons."

I just finished Tom Wolfe's latest, an 800 page diatribe against the moral weaknesses and self-centered nature of my generation. It was not a pleasant experience.

First off, the story just ain't that great. He's much more interested in exposing the realism of college life and 18-22 year old partying than he is in establishing dramatic tension. Things don't really get worrisome for the key players until we're 7/8ths through the novel. So unless you need someone to hold your hand through 700 pages of his expose on debauchery there's nothing compelling you to pick up the book.

But it also fails because the characters are all almost completely flawed, which isn't necessarily that bad, but the moral reckoning that does come for one of them doesn't feel genuine or important...it just feels random. He (the character who does lose something) suffers because of his self-idolatry but so too could have the 3 other vain characters who escape relatively unscathed. And how damning of my generation is it supposed to be that each character Wolfe creates from my demographic is completely self-absorbed, maniacal, devious, and only motivated by talking about or doing something completely for him or herself? There's no charity to be found in any of them.

Review over. Now let me post this on my blog.

Irony defined.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Election Day

It's election day here in the ROK, which means two things. 1st, and most importantly, I get the day off and don't have to work. 2nd, it means Koreans will almost certainly elect Lee Myung Bak, the man on the left in the following picture, as their next prez.


He's a former mayor of Seoul and a center-right kinda guy who already has a big scandal to his name before he's even sworn in, but he's probably not gonna rock the boat too much. Think of him as Dubya circa 2000, + kimchi.

Should you desire to read more about the election, you may do so here.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Friday, December 14, 2007

This Is Not How I Want To Go Out

I don't ride the subway that often, only on my (rarer and rarer) trips into Seoul for shopping / boozing / whatever. But whenever I do there's always that thought in the back of my head, especially when I'm first in line at my entrance, about accidentally slipping onto the tracks or, even more likely, accidentally being pushed onto them by some snub nosed ajjuma in a hurry.

Just the other day there was a massive backup on several of the Seoul lines because someone had been killed by an oncoming train. Now obviously that's a horrible thing to have happen, but it's not altogether unusual (I gather from what I see in the news that this happens once or twice a month in Seoul). What is interesting about this incident is who died, and why. You see it was someone who should've known better, and he died in what could be best described as a compromising position.

You see apparently the other day a subway conductor with diarrhea was working on one of the trains. Apparently his bowels had endured for as long as they could so when his train came to a stop he climbed out of his car, went down onto the tracks, and started to take a dump, when...BLAMMO! another train came along. Like I said, it's not the best way I can imagine to depart from this life.

For credulity's sake I'll link to this article about it. Unfortunately it's all in Korean, so you're gonna have to trust me on it. But here's how babelfish decided to render the first paragraph in translation, if you're interested:

"About it died in the electromotive car which the crew who falls from the subway which runs follows. This crew sees going to stool which is urgent becomes known that multi accident and the service environment improvement which the crew is inferior is coming out urgency is indication."

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Today in Konglish

A Society Awash in Scandal

There's an interesting article in the Toronto Star about Korean culture. Some excerpts:

"And from the upper echelons of the art world to Buddhist temples, South Korean personalities are being ignominiously exposed for having faked their academic credentials.

...

Some blame the tendency to shave corners on a cutthroat mentality that developed in the wake of the 1997 Asian financial crisis, which shook Koreans' faith in an ever-expanding economy. Others contend that South Korea has never shaken off the mutual back-scratching culture of a small society, where the establishment has tight personal connections forged by blood, school or regional ties.

Some suggest Korean society simply has an unhealthy obsession with success. "Living an ordinary life is not regarded as being successful, and staying still economically is seen as an unbearable retrogression," Kim says. "Korean society demands over-achievement."

Whatever the reason, Koreans picking up a newspaper or turning on TV news these days are confronted with seemingly endless stories of bribery and cheating, influence-peddling and corruption."

If you'll forgive a hung-over and anecdote-fueled rant, well, this is not surprising. I know it's wrong to generalize, and I don't mean to reduce anyone to a stereotype, but...Koreans love to cheat. Some (most) are honest, hard working folks, but I can just tell you from teaching and observing students that cheating is rampant here, and what's astonishing is how much it's tolerated.

Everyone cheats sometimes, and every culture has its cheaters. Koreans just do it more.

Friday, December 07, 2007

Religious Bob Sang:

"When you gonna wake up?" There's a terrificly terrible Bob Dylan religious-era song entitled "When you gonna wake up?" Of course he was singing about those of us lost in the darkness of secularism who'd rejected the Lord, but it's an apt question to post to American voters, IMO.

Keith Olbermann addressed the latest lie/outrage from the Bush White House the other night, and as usual, he speaks for me:

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Living Reflection From A Dream

Below is a befuddling excerpt from a conversation I had with one of my co-teachers today. She had needed to use my room for a test, causing me to have to make some changes in my schedule, and she was apologizing/thanking me for that.

Co-teacher: Thank you one more time. I like your tenderness.

Our Hero: My what?

Co-teacher: Tend rance?

Our Hero: Oh...ok, thank you.

Co-teacher: Do you like Tetris?

Our Hero: Tetris? Of course, I love Tetris!

Co-teacher: I sent you some Tetris.

Our Hero: Oh, thank you, I guess.

When I got back to my office I figured the whole thing out. She had sent me a gift, and was asking if I liked it. It was a box full of tangerines.

I'm pretty good at getting through the accent, but sometimes it's just too much.

Monday, December 03, 2007

2 girls + 1 cup = the worst thing ever

I just watched this video. Do not search for it. Do not try to watch it. You will retch. It is the worst thing I have ever seen. It is impossibly bad.

Ok, ok, now go look for it losers, I know you can't resist.

But I warned you.

Boshintang Jim

Funny story.

And no, that's not my new nickname. "Boshintang Jim" is "dog soup," in Korean, and the following is a true story.

I was having my adult conversation class today. Once a week for two hours me and a few of the braver non-English teaching...er...teachers at my school sit down for what can sometimes be an excruciating, sometimes an enjoyable, but always an enlightening experience. We started off 6 months ago* with basic stuff like "tell me about your family" and "what kind of books do you like?" and have now progressed into more focused topics such as the environment, Korean history, etc etc, and in so doing we (I) have whittled down a once thriving, if incoherent, class of ~10 or so into a more manageable and more cogent group of 4 reasonably literate ladies.

Anyway, today the topic was pets and animals. I asked each of the attendees if they'd ever had a pet as a child, and if so, what was its story. Unfortunately most of them had not, and so it looked as if this was going to be one of those days of death on which getting them to talk is like squeezing blood out of a turnip. But one lady chimed in.

She had never had a pet, she said, but as a child her brother had. He'd found him in the street, adopted him, and loved him generally as children love dogs for over two years.

But their mother couldn't stand the dog. She connived to dispose of the mangy mutt in all of the usual ways, but nothing worked. Until one day, when the young boy was away from the home and the proprietress of the local boshintang joint sauntered on by. She offered to take the dog off of the mother's hands, and for a good price. The mother agreed.

And so it came to pass that the young boy's beloved pet, whom he had loved and protected and cared for, departed from his company and shuffled off this mortal coil in one of the most horrible ways possible. Naturally, the young boy was devastated and cried for days.

Now, it's not only that the dog was slain and consumed. You see, it's not as if they knock the dog on the head with a hammer and go about their business. That would be humane. But you see, in preparing boshintang, it's apparently necessary to torture the dogs. By whipping them. Until they die. It brings out the proper juices, or something.

So, the little boy's pet was stolen from him, hung from a meat hook, whipped to death and then flayed.

Like I said, funny story.

*Has it been 6 months? Wow.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Today in Konglish

I actually attended this event, but alas, I didn't score one of these cool Konglishy vests:

"Let's set people on fire!"

Apparently ~2500 years ago a Jewish prophet foresaw, in Isaiah 35:8, "the way of holiness" would be an American superhighway, called, fortuitously enough, I-35. A bunch of moonies have become convinced it's their destiny to camp out all up and down the American interstate and remind abortionists, homosexuals, and the other typical sinners that they're gonna burn eternally in hell.

How do they know this is the right thing to do? Well there's the typically opaque reference to "dreams and visions" which I suppose might be accurate if by "dreams" we mean some hard-up pastor's daydreams about getting on TV, and if by "visions" we mean the visions of all the greenbacks in the collection plates.

I suppose it also helps that I-35 and Isaiah 35 seem to go well together, unless of course one recalls that the book of Isaiah wasn't written in English, and there was nary an "I" to be found in its original text.

It's batshit crazies like these folks that make the heartland such a fucking laughingstock. When is this shit gonna end?

Anyway you can watch Pat Robertson's gleeful report here: