The World's Greatest Intellectuals

Foreign Policy magazine is conducting a readers' poll which I just participated in, asking who are your 5 favorite public intellectuals (iow: smart people who go on TV and get published in something with the word "Times" in its name). I basically voted for the people I knew something about and liked, not that there's anything wrong with that - that's the basic idea, unfortunately of the 100 options listed I only knew who about 20 of them were. Well, that's the problem with democracy after all, that the ignorant get to vote alongside the educated. The five I selected all happen to be minor heroes of mine (the last being the only living man I'd call "my" hero) so I thought it was blog-worthy.

Anyway, my list, in no particular order:

Umberto Eco - author of one of my favorite novels (Foucault's Pendulum) and a linguistics/literature/history essayist
Gary Kasparov - the greatest chess player who ever lived who's currently a liberal activist/politician in Russia
Noam Chomsky - basically the one man who speaks truth to power in American politics
Richard Dawkins - author of the amazing "The God Delusion" and the best public atheist out there
Christopher Hitchens - my personal hero, atheist, ex-Trotskyist, damned neo-conservative/Iraq war supporter, scathing wit

Erection Day Kraziness

One thing I will definitely miss about Korea is the random drunken (usually) craziness of the place. This is a country where piss-drunk old guy is a legitimate and substantial demographic subset.

Which brings me to a story. I had yesterday, Wednesday, off because of, as one of my co-teachers put it, "Big Assembly Erection Day." Ok so I added the "big" there, but the rest is true. Koreans and their troubles with "r," another thing I'll miss.

Anyway I went into Seoul with Joey and we wound up at Hooters in Gangnam, then eventually returned to Bucheon and shared a pint or six at the local speak easy over a chessboard. Us two and the two bar-gals were the only ones there for most of the evening, until 10ish or so when in came a solitary drunken adjoshi of about 60 or so.

I knew he was trouble as soon as I saw him because he was "walking" like one of the zombies in Night of the Living Dead. He more or less ignored us and approached Spung Jee, the owner of the bar. He started saying something weird and loud which we later figured out was meant to be "what's up?" but which sounded sort of like "wherz op?" Anyway she eventually started talking to him in Korean and asked him to leave. Of course he wouldn't.

By this point he was trying to get our attention and kept asking us over and over again "wherz op?" and "djyu speech Engarish?" We ignored him. So he started trying other languages. All he really knew how to do apparently was count in four or five languages, most of them I couldn't really figure what they were but I did catch it when he counted to five in Spanish and French. Why of course he felt compelled to do this I can't say.

Eventually the police were called and they were surprisingly punctual and effective. They confronted him, asked him to leave, and when he refused they escorted him out, but not before he surprisingly made an attempt to lunge at me for some reason. I can't say why, as I'd ignored him during his whole multilingual tirade, but maybe that's the reason why. I dunno.

Anyway, I'm gonna miss that kind of shit.

Geumchon

I was directed to the following video and thought it was pretty good. It sums up the Korean-waygookin experience pretty well, I think.

Plus, I really dig the adjumma visors they're wearing. Check it out-

Kickin it in Geumchon

Free Tibet? Really?

Like most people, I don't really give two shit's about Tibet. Perhaps that sounds too harsh. All I really mean to say is that it's not on my radar screen at all. I don't get up in the morning and think "I wonder what's happening in Lhasa today." But thanks to the inordinate amount of free time my current position affords me, I've been able to follow the news coming out of there lately. If you don't know, there have been all sorts of protests centering around Tibetan independence day and depending on who you trust more either a dozen or nearly 100 rebels or freedom fighters have been killed.

Again, like most people, I think if a group of people want their independence, and if they have a separate culture, language, religion, etc etc...well, then, they should have it. But I also recognize it's not always that simple. One need look no further than the history of my own country to see that.

It's a complex question, and as such I was really interested in the video below. Depending on your POV it's either Communist propaganda or an honest re-evaluation of Chinese and Tibetan history. I'm not educated on the subject so I really can't render a thoughtful opinion, but if I can borrow from Stephen Colbert and trust my gut over the facts then I'd have to say I'm inclined towards the former of those two possibilities.

Flat Stanely

I recently had a visitor here in the Korea. My cousin Natalie, who's about 6 years old, was asked by her teacher to dispatch the ill fated Flat Stanley who, as his name suggests, was flattened in some sort of mishap involving a large book and then appropriately enough realized life is too short and that he wanted to see more of the world while he still can. And so he was sent to me.

The idea is that I "show" him around town, take pictures of him at a few interesting places in my community and send him back home better traveled and perhaps a little wiser. Having done that, I would now like to show you some of the fun he and I got up to during his all too short visit.

Stanley at Bupyeong station, near my apartment. I live down the street that runs between the two buildings on the left.
Stanley on a hill overlooking my school and some apartment buildings.
Stanley at the front door to my school. Don't ask me what all that says.
Stanley in Bupyeong's annoyingly crowded underground market. Whenever I walk from my apartment to the station I have to go through this miles long maze of distracted ajummas.
Stanley considering his options in front of a (surprise!) Korean restaurant.
Stanley getting ready to board the subway.
Stanley overlooking the Han river and the 63 building in the distance.
Stanley in Gwanghwamun, Seoul.
Another shot of Gwanghwamun.
Stanley in front of Duksugung Palace.
Stanely in front of the statue of King Sejong.
Drunken Stanley annoying some Koreans on the late bus ride home.

The North

I want to go everywhere. You name the place on this planet, and I want to visit it. But the country I want to visit more than any other lies about 100 miles north of where I now sit. It's been my hope that during my time here in the south that I'd be able to make it there, but for westerners, and especially for Americans, that's a difficult proposition.

So second to actually visiting myself...this will have to suffice. It's called "The Vice Guide to North Korea" and it's a video account of how one guy got in and got to look around. If, like me, you share a fascination for the last isolated outpost of weirdness on this little blue orb we call home then you should check it out.

Believe it or not, I miss Burger King

In my old life, as a frequent fast food patron, Burger King was pretty far down on my list of places to get my greasy fix. But here in the Korea my options are pretty much limited to McDonald's, McDonald's, or McDonald's, which can really get old pretty quickly, and so the following video not only made me laugh but made me start craving a Whopper...


Human Head Found In Hamburger

Starship Kimchi

I wish I could claim credit for that wonderful headline, but the author of this article has to be given his due.

The article is basically about S Korea's first astronaut, and all of the trouble Korean food-scientists have gone to in order to ensure that he has his kimchi whilst in orbit.

It's worth a read for its lighthearted look at something Koreans take very seriously, and for nuggets of insight like this:

"It is hard to overstate kimchi’s importance to South Koreans, not just as a mainstay of their diet, but as a cultural touchstone. As with other peoples attached to their own national foods — Italians with their pasta, for example — South Koreans define themselves somewhat by the dish, which is most commonly made with cabbage and other vegetables and a variety of seasonings, including red chili peppers.

Many South Koreans say their fast-paced lives, which helped build their country’s economy into one of the biggest in the world in a matter of decades, owe much to the invigorating qualities of kimchi. Some take a kind of macho pleasure watching novices’ eyes water when the red chili makes contact with their throats the first time. And when Korean photographers try to organize the people they wish to take pictures of, they yell, “Kimchiiii.”

Good Lord

I liked this, two of my favorite people...Patrick Stewart and Ricky Gervais.

Another crazy dog story from "the Korea"...

No, not one of my own making. A 52 year old man in Jongno, Seoul (that's one of the good parts of town, btw) stole his landlady's dog, killed it, and was trying to eat it when the fire department showed up (because he'd created a small fire in preparing to roast the chihuahua).

And to clarify, whenever I write "the Korea" it's not because having repeatedly dumbed down my vocabulary and also having succumbed to the persistent grammatical errors Korean English speakers make that I have lapsed into some sort of strange anti-grammar dialect, rather it's because "the Korea" is one of the repeated mistakes I hear Koreans make that seems funny/charming to me.

Another would be adding pronunciation to the final letter in words like orange/strange/change, so that it's pronounced "orang-ee/strang-ee/chang-ee." I also enjoy how easily Koreans confuse "fun" and "funny," so that often they'll say something like "I went on the roller-coaster, it was very funny."

Anyway, digression ended.

One more picture...

This one just got uploaded to facebook...me chomping on a chicken's foot in our hostel on New Year's Eve...

Pictures of You

Actually, pictures of me, but I just really like that Cure song. And besides I'm you to you, it's only for me that I'm me, not you.

Anyway, from the last few months, including my recent China & Thailand trips:

My Christmas pileup (half of it, anyway)-

My classroom, the "English Only Zone"-


The front of my school, on a typically frosty day-

A giant golden bell that some sky god dropped to the earth, that's my guess anyway-

Buddhist younglings-


Can you imagine having to stand like that for eternity? Ouch-


Some palace in Bangkok-


My own private beach (mas o menos) in Koh Samet-


Looking the other way-


My bungalow was the blue-roofed structure obscured by the coconut trees, the hammock, and the other elements of paradise in the foreground-


The Beijing gang, from left to right- Joey, Julie, Dave, our hero, Feizal-


Me and Joey in Tiannamen Square-

Also in Tiannamen-


In front of the entrance to the Forbidden City-

Our biggest feast of the trip, Peking duck was a part of it but in the foreground you can see a dark brown hunk of meat on the plate there. That was donkey. And it was good-

Korean/Dogs News

Koreans are making international news lately because of something they want to do to dogs, and not, it's not eating them. It's cloning them. For about $125,000 you can bring long-dead Fluffy back to life and right the wrong done by the slow braking bus driver.

I don't have any moral issues with cloning but like every other Matrix-reared child of the late 90s I've been conditioned to be wary of technological progress and can't help but wonder if this is the first step down a road that leads to something like the zombie dogs from Resident Evil.

If these Cerebus wannabes do show up I guess the Koreans can eat them. Problem solved.

Counting Cash

Did you know that people around the world count their money in different ways? Well, I did, because I'm a seasoned world traveler and all [/dubious self-promotion], but I didn't know about all of the varied ways, especially in Asia. And I can confirm that the Japan/Korea portion of this video is 100% accurate, except they do it much, much faster than he does. Watch:


How People Count Cash? - Watch the top videos of the week here

Another School Shooting

Well, it's happened again. Some lunatic with access to firearms killed 5 innocent people and himself in Illinois recently. Here's part of the reason why:



Vote Democrat

Today in Konglish

These are the climes that try men's souls

It's cold. Really really cold. Mind-numbingly nuclear-winterish perfect-for-dog-sledding cold. The kind of cold that makes you want to wrap up in a dozen or so blankets and, bear-like, not reappear until sometime mid-May. I am just not used to this.

So these drastic climes in which I live have forced me to take drastic measures. Having gone in search of long johns, I found only the black tight-like undergarments you see pictured to the right.

The "long johns" in question could be best described as form-fitting, and as such are pictured without the wearer. Since my own form, when witnessed in its natural state, looks something like an oversized pear that's been left out in the sun, I decided to spare the author that particular ignominy and the viewer the loss of his or her most recent meal.

But dammit, they keep me warm.

So I Just Made My First Political Contribution

And it was to the campaign of this man.

Please, if you're an American and you're politically aligned at all with the left, then please contribute to his campaign. He has a real chance of beating the dark lady and winning the general election. And that would mean a lot for the country of my birth.

Do excuse me if it sounds like I'm a little late to the party, or as if I'm jumping on the bandwagon, but I've been an Edwards supporter from day 1 and would be still were he still running.

But that day is done. Obama is winning, and more importantly, he can win. Support him.

And is there a better line than the one he delivered in the speech below? It gave me honest to gawd chills when I first heard it. "Change will not come if we wait for some other person, or some other time. We are the ones we have been waiting for. We are the change that we seek."



Jon Stewart had a great quip after he viewed the following clip. "Jesus, did I just get inspired by Ted Kennedy?!" Well, I did too. Watch it if you'd like.

Today in Konglish

It's not just for New York anymore...

I love my hometown, and I love to see it move up in the world. All of the growth that has happened there, the endless stream of national magazines' lists putting it at or near the top of a 'Best Places to Live,' and mini-triumphs like the Hurricanes' winning the cup...they all make me feel a little warm and fuzzy inside.

So here's the latest accolade for the burgeoning metropolis I once called home. Like the mega-cities to the north and east Raleigh now too has its own paranoid terrorist scare.

Sweet.

Namdaemun Burns

There apparently was a big-azz fire at Namdaemun last night, you can read about it here.

I've been through Namdaemun many times, it was an impressive structure right in the heart of Seoul. It's a couple of blocks over from Seoul station and it bestrides a major market which bears its name (my reason for being so near, honestly big-azz gates, historical or not, don't do much for me). Nevertheless it's a shame to see it go up like this.

The Year of the Rat

I was lucky enough to spend Chinese New Year in Beijing this year and because I couldn't be bothered to take my camera out of my pack a single time I have only this google-lifted picture to share with you of the experience (that is, until my friends upload their hundreds of pictures onto facebook) so I'm left with only the imprecise descriptive tool that is the written word to try and recreate what it was like.

Imagine, if you will, a city of millions. Imagine that each one of those millions has in his or her hand a dozen or so fireworks of different color, size, volume, and explosive shape. Imagine that on midnight of the New Year those millions of people rush into the city street nearest their home and begin doing what comes natural with fireworks. Imagine they've all been drinking, and as such aren't as concerned about safety as a professional fireworks-teer would be. If you can conceive of that then you have some idea of what I experienced in the wee hours of the first day of the Year of the Rat.

Now, bear in mind, I'm not talking about sparklers or some other sort of kiddie shi'ite. This was the real deal, and although it was easier to find a needle in a haystack than it was for a pasty foreigner to purchase fireworks in advance of the festivities, somehow all the native hosts of Beijing had in their possession at the midnight hour scores of colorful explosives. It's almost as if they'd been saving them all for themselves, or storing them up all year. Hell, they probably were.

Not that once things started rolling they weren't willing to share. I saw plenty of whities set off plenty of finger-tippers. I just didn't join in.

Now if this sounds at all like a complaint, or if it sounds like I didn't enjoy it completely, I don't intend it to. It was fantastic. It was beyond words. It was one of the most incredible spectacles I have ever witnessed. I loved every second of it.

There were other good parts in my trip. Donkey meat is surprisingly tasty. The Chinese people I had the good fortune of meeting, talking with, and sharing adult beverages with were all incredibly kind, funny, and most importantly: interesting. Peking duck is just as good the second time around. But nothing can compare to that citywide fireworks show. Chinese New Year is really something someone should experience in China once in their life if they can.

Oddities

So I saw this picture online today and felt obliged to share it. The romanized Korean mean "It is a foreigner!" which is something I hear often when doing odd things like shopping for groceries, buying a pizza, or walking down the street. Or, at least, things that appear odd to Koreans. Or odd for a foreigner to do.

Actually I shouldn't be so crass, I live in a big city and more or less blend in, it's rare that I hear something like this these days, and when I do it's almost invariably from some doe eyed Korean kid. It's still annoying though.

I recently took holiday* in Thailand, a country that's crawling with waegookins of all stripes and which is at least superficially accommodating of them, and upon returning to my arctic home in the frozen north it was hard not to notice the stares and mutterings of the locals. So perhaps I'm a little oversensitive right now. But hey, it's a funny picture.

At one point during my Thailand sojourn I was playing pool with a talented bar maid (she beat me in like 5 games straight, despite obviously trying to throw the last two my way) and the song featured in the video below came on. I think it's oddly appropriate not only in matching the picture above but in encapsulating my Thailand experience, and it's also really good, and so I humbly submit that the oddly patient blog reader who has made it this far may want to listen to it.

David Bowie's Space Oddity:




*I was recently complimented (at least I think it was a compliment) by a fellow American expatriate on how well I've adjusted my word choice to accommodate the Canadians, Brits, Aussies and others formerly under the aegis of the queen. For example I no longer say "I'm going on vacation" but rather what I wrote above. I've also been known to use "football" in lieu of "soccer." The Times, They Are a'Changin.

Newsflash: People Other Than Americans Are Stupid, Too

I love stories like this one, which details how 1/4 of the British public thinks Winston Churchill never existed and 60% of Brits think Sherlock Holmes did. I get so tired of reading news reports in the foreign and domestic press and watching TV shows ridiculing Americans for their stupids responses to basic questions about history and literature and other areas of general knowledge. It seems like every week there's some story out about how "72% of Americans think Jesus rode a dinosaur to have lunch with King Arthur" or something like that.

Don't get me wrong, Americans are stupid. It's just that they're not exceptionally stupid. Everyone is stupid. Especially when you surprise them on the street, shove a microphone in their face and give them 10 seconds to answer a question like "who were Reagan's Supreme Court nominees?"

Anyway, it's nice to see that Great Britain, a country regarded by my own countrymen as a nation of intellectuals, is just as full of dummies as the rest of the world. Bravo.

Today in Konglish

How to Get Kicked Off of a My Little Pony Message Board

If you have a sense of humor, you might find this amusing.

I wish I were MyLittlePonyBuiltMyHotRod, but alas, t'ain't so.

Fan Death Kills Again

I don't think I've mentioned fan death on my blog before, and those of you living outside of Korea might have no idea what it is. Let me try and explain. Bear in mind that the vast majority of Koreans (my guess would be 90%+) and essentially everyone in the Korean media believe every word that follows in my explanation.

Fan Death: if you fall asleep in an enclosed room (with no windows open and the doors shut) and leave a running fan blowing inside the room there is the possibility that the fan will suck out your breath like some sort of vengeful phantasm and you'll suffocate. Hundreds of people have supposedly succumbed to this health hazard.

Now, obviously, it's a big steaming crock of shit. But that matters for naught...I know several educated, thoughtful Korean adults who argue passionately in favor of the existence of fan death and who when pressed to supply evidence for the logistics of the threat will begin talking about miniature vacuums and unusual air flow.

It may not surprise you, dear reader, when I hasten to inform you that most of the victims of fan death are lonely alcoholics, depressed teenagers, spinsters, and others who are perhaps more inclined than the rest of us to view suicide as a rewarding and fulfilling temptation. Indeed it's almost as if fan death is used by the victims' families to cover up discussing what appears to be a more obvious, albeit more painful, cause of death. It's easier to blame fan death for little Jimmy Kim's departure than suicide brought on by the crushing pressure Korean society puts on its young people to excel academically.

Anyway, here's a recent news report about the death of an old alcoholic at the hands of his fan. It's all in Korean, of course, but it's only 30 seconds and if you view the clip you'll be treated to a melodramatic close up of the victim's body lying beneath the murderous appliance.

How to Make a Korean Pizza

This is hilarious and, sadly, mostly accurate.