The American Breakfast

I was reading an article with my freshman class the other day about a Tokyo business hotel. The hotel offered a free "American breakfast" to its residents, and just for kicks I decided to ask my students what they thought that was.

First, I asked what was in a typical Chinese breakfast. "Rice," was the predominant answer, no surprise. In Korea it would have been "kimchi and rice."

Then I asked what they thought Americans ate for breakfast. "Hamburgers!" was the loudest and most repeated answer. I also heard "bread" and "milk" which was a little closer to the truth. Pizza was also a popular answer.

After explaining that sandwiches like hamburgers are most commonly eaten for lunch, dinner, or as a late night drunk-extender, I told them that American breakfasts usually include something like cereal, toasted bread (that's toast to those of you in the red states) and eggs. They got a kick out of that last one.

Hamburgers for breakfast...hmm, not a bad idea.

Poop-idemic

There is a serious problem in Wuxi, and I don't know how to combat it, so I thought I'd come to my blog and complain. The problem is public pooping. You read that right.

Maybe it was the idiotic taxi driver I had today who drove me around for the better part of an hour in a vain search for the UPS store. Maybe it's the fact that this is the 75th straight cloudy/hazy/pollutiony day here in Wuxi. Maybe it's that I almost tripped on the sidewalk last week and had I fallen I would've face planted right into a fresh steaming sidewalk-turd.

But I'm in a bad mood and I'm not going to let this one pass because of "cultural differences" or whatever other BS people use to justify the crapola (literal and otherwise) sometimes encountered in China.

I was walking down Zhong Shan Lu last night, the biggest street right through the heart of downtown on my way to a friends apartment when what do I see? A mother, crouched down on the sidewalk, pulls down her baby's pants and gently taps its behind until nature takes its course. Right there on the sidewalk. In full view of everyone. And then she walked away, leaving the poop unattended, as if God, or nature, or some mystical force were responsible for the piece of shit and not she.

I've lived here almost three months and I've witnessed this spectacle dozens of times. Dozens. And no, I am not exaggerating the number for effect. It happens everywhere: sidewalks, public parks, restaurants...everywhere but the friggin WC, it seems.

Now I've only seen babies doing it, with their matronly accomplices, if that somehow excuses it in your eyes forgiving reader. I have heard tale of, but have yet to encounter first-hand, the mythical grandmother-public-poop. Given enough time I'm sure I will. I can't wait.

Come to think of it, tho, I can't imagine a better metaphor to describe Wuxi than to say that its residents shit all over it.

Bloody Brilliant

I rarely waste time on youtube anymore because the internet's so slow here in China, but this was worth the 15 minutes it took to download:

Not So Banned, and, the Future

Well I guess we can tell from the comments and traffic here it turns out my blog wasn't permanently banned, and I'm not special or a security threat after all. Dang.

Onward and upward.

I had a discussion class this week with my students and I chose "the future of China" as the topic. Some of their answers/ideas were pretty interesting. Listed below.

Cutest answer to the question "what major changes do you foresee in the next 50 years?": In 50 years China will have a city on the moon.

Funniest misuse of a word to describe the future of Taiwan: Someday soon China will swallow Taiwan.

Most alarming opinion on how the mainland should deal with Taiwan: I think China should take advantage of the financial crisis in the US to attack and seize Taiwan.

Number of students (out of 75 or so) who thought Taiwan was a separate country: 0.

Most depressing opinion as to the future of Taiwan: I think it will be destroyed by a bomb.

One student's prediction of the population in the PRC in 50 years: one hundred million. They have a lot of difficulty with numbers.

Number of students who articulated reasonable and nuanced expectations of the future of their country: not a lot.

Banned!

It appears that my blog may have been banned by my gracious Chinese hosts/overlords. I can still access blogger.com (obviously) but trying to get onto my blog itself and read it is impossible. I get the usual "go somewhere else" screen you sometimes get in China.

If you're in China, it's not likely you're reading this, but I'd appreciate it if someone who is in China can read this then please drop me a line. Maybe it's something else, or temporary.

I guess that post with all of the Chinese "red-flag" words finally got processed by some database in Beijing. That was over a month ago. Typical socialist inefficiency, I guess.

Oh well. I have to get going, I've got a big secret meeting with some Falun Gong members, and I have to plan for my democratic protest this evening. Oh, and tomorrow I'm going to read some passages from the Bible in the town square. And then maybe burn a picture of Mao.

I have to get out of this country.

Shamelessly Stolen From Someone Else:

The Wuxi skyline:

A Percent of Perspective

I recently read online at this website, a nice little community for Wuxi expats, that according to government statistics there are 3500 "laowai" or foreigners in our fair city.

I guess that sounds like a lot, until you consider that Wuxi has 5,000,000 residents in total.

So in other words we laowai, of our white, black, and brown complexions and round eyes, represent .0007 % of the population. That explains a lot.

Obama speaks Korean; a Nation Rejoices

This is big, big news in Korea, and no, I'm not kidding.

President-elect Obama, when greeted and asked a question by a Korean national, greeted the student with the Korean version of "hello,": "anyeonghasaeyo."

Trust me, this one gesture will do more to endear him to a nation of validation-starved Koreans than anything George Bush did in 8 years.

I Don't Feel Sorry for John McCain

Here's why:

Down To Earth

Of course I'm thrilled Obama won the election. After John Edwards bowed out he was my candidate, and vs. a Republican, there could be no question. This is a transformative moment for America and its image of itself and to others around the....blah blah blah.

As many other spoilsporters have noted, now the hard part begins. That's certainly true. But I also want to try and bring us back to reality with my own dash of Asianized perspective.

I know people are dancing/crying in the streets as if Martha and the Vandellas are playing. I know this is really, really big news for people in America, and to a certain extent Europe. But let me bring you down to Earth: no one else cares.

That's a blanket statement, so let me elaborate. Sure, the leaders of countries all around the world, people who follow politics, those people care everywhere. But people like you, and if I may presume, an average person like you, pick your country, and they don't care. Believe me, I've met average people before and likely will do so again, why, today even, and I've tried to engage them about the news from America and for my troubles have received a bored shrug.

Think of it this way: did you follow the last change in government in China? The last election in Japan? Do you even know the leaders of those two countries.

My message to Americans back home is this: don't presume that the whole world is watching because CNN says so. That's just another example of the kind of American arrogance people're always pinning on us.

I'd also like to apologize for the lack of paragraph breaks. The motherfucking cocksucking goddamn pisspoor excuses for computers we have access to in this backwater piece of shit town don't fucking want to work with goddamn blogger.com sometimes. Yes it angers me.

Suicide

I have a sad but unsurprising story to relay from my college. I came into the office on Monday and one of the teachers greeted me with the grim news: one of the students in our department had commited suicide.

My first thought was something like "my god, I hope it wasn't one of my students."

Fortunately (is it wrong to say that?) it wasn't. Sydney, the other English teacher, was her instructor. To the best of my knowledge I never spoke to or knew her at all, aside from passing in the hall a few times I'd guess.

Still it was a terrible way to start the week. We learned later that she had always had family problems - her parents had wanted a boy as a child, and when she was born gave her up for adoption - and also that the stress of dealing with school had recently really gotten to her.

Young suicides are a real problem in South Korea (which has the highest suicide rate of anywhere in the world) and I've recently learned from personal experience that it's a serious problem in China as well. The reason is simple: education is the only measure of success for young people in these cultures, and the prospects of potential failure can sometimes be so overwhelming that young students do something desperate. Peruse the ESL message boards for Asia and you'll be shocked at how many "My Student Killed Him/Herself" threads there are.

Sad.

What's Happening in Raleigh?

I try to keep up with my local news while I'm so far away, and I do that mainly through wral.com. This was one of their top stories today:

"Pink limo causes stir in Cary

Posted: Today at 5:49 p.m. Updated: Today at 8:34 p.m.

Raleigh, N.C. — A bright pink limo parked at the Cary Towne Center has caused some complaints in the city that is known for its neutral color palette.

The limo is used by the Sweet and Sassy Spa for girls, which opened at the mall in May. Owner Brenda Sizemore said many refer to the business as “girl heaven.” The limo transports girls to and from the spa. The vehicle’s bright color was selected because “that’s what little girls are all about – pink,” Sizemore said.

While customers may like the color, a handful of people complained to town officials and asked if the limo was violating any town code. Town of Cary Senior Planner Dan Matthys said the vehicle is “in compliance” with the city’s ordinance. "

The fun never stops in the Triangle, does it? Boy those folks live a mile a minute, I tells ya.

Perverted Heaven

I am of course still in Wuxi, but as you may or may not know I'm working on changing that, and returning to South Korea. I've been applying to jobs via recruiters and listings on daveseslcafe.com, which is linked to the right and which is the most popular site for teachers in Korea.

There's also a really popular message board there, and in skimming over it today I came across this, an incredibly lengthy blog post compiling the history of the Korean media's scare-mongering about foreign teachers. It's way too long for anyone without a personal interest to, well, be interested in, but about 2/3's of the way down the author quotes this:

"A source at the foreign affairs division of the Seoul Police Department said, “American and Canadian English teachers think Korea is a ‘land of opportunity.’ [...T]he majority of them find it easy to seduce Korean women and do drugs with them.” Foreign English teachers see Korea not only as a ‘land of opportunity’ but also as a ‘perverted heaven’."

I just love that last phrase there. "Perverted heaven." Yeah, that's about right.

The New South and Obama

This is an interesting article about the Obama campaign in my home state of North Carolina. It focuses on the changes going on in the once reliably Republican state, whose most famous representative in Washington was (and probably still is) Senator No, or Senator Jesse Helms.

Anecdotally speaking I know this to be true, many of my friends and peers back home are much bluer than red, and even my nearly octogenarian grandfather, who no doubt voted for the late Mr. Helms more than a few times, has made it clear to the rest of the family (much to their chagrin, I must unfortunately add) that he's an Obama man. It would be quite an understatement to say this was unexpected.

If Obama can carry North Carolina, and it looks just like he might, then this will be a very big year for the Democrats. Here's hopin'.

Dear Britney Spears: We Still Hate You

I was looking at the front page of yahoo today in search of some "real" news, and instead I found this article about Ms. Spears latest comeback.

I realize we're supposed to respect people with the "disease" of drug abuse/alcoholism, and that she's "been through so much" with her divorce and kids and whatever.

But Britney: I still hate you. To borrow from an indictment of another of your peers: you're a stupid spoiled whore whose presence on this Earth would no longer be required if not for the fact that your inevitable suicide will only make you more sympathetic to the teeming throngs of braces wearing pre-teens and aging overweight queens that make up your fanbase.

When it comes, I will celebrate your death, and I will not be the only one.

"Maybe Britney's smarter than we think," wonders the article. No, she isn't.

English Teachers Bring Drugs

This is an interesting article about English teaching in South Korea, where I once lived/taught (and may so again?). The story is more or less comprehensive but for purposes of attention-grabbing the headline focused on one particular aspect of life there, the bad reputation foreigners have for drug-use.

Of course, during my two years there I never once was offered or indulged in anything. No way no how. Yep, there are no drugs in Korea. Nope. Not at all. No way.

The Won is Crap

Looks like I got out of Korea just in time. The Korean Won, which during the 2 years I lived there fluctuated between 1100 and 900 to the dollar, has nosedived lately because of all the financial mess and as of the last time I checked xe.com (today) is worth about 1450 to $1.

That more or less means were I still working there, my salary would be worth about 50 % less than it once was, at least back home in the states. Thank you China!, for your relatively strong currency and interventionist policies that prevent free-floating disasters like what's happening in South Korea.

Somebody's Watching Me

China ain't free. I don't speak the language, and I've only lived here a month so far, so I don't pretend to be an expert.

But...you don't really notice that walking down the street, going to work, interacting with the locals, or doing any other sort of mundane day-to-day thing.

The one place where you do notice that is when you want to use the internet. Use of the internet is strictly monitored, especially if, like me, you don't have a PC in your home and you're forced to go to the local PC room.

If you're a foreigner, they scan your passport and your local ID before giving you a chair. The natives just have their ID card scanned. But it doesn't stop there. According to this article, there are thousands of Chinese net police monitoring what Chinese citizens (and guests) write, look at, and read online.

That wasn't really news to me, I knew it before I came here, and hell post 9/11 the US government has been doing the same thing. But there's something about watching your passport scanned everytime you want to check your email that really drives home the point.

But, since I've always enjoyed lackadaisically giving the finger to authority, and since being expelled from this country honestly wouldn't upset me that much (I'm not planning on staying too much longer), I figure why not post some keywords the Chinese net-police really hate to see crop up?

Falun Gong!

Taiwan Independance!

Earthquake Mishandling!

Poor Communist Fashion Sense!

Who Drinks Milk Powder in the First Place?!

Forks Are Better!

DVD Chinglish #1

So, I've already got a small library of bootleg DVDs here in China. Compared to Korea, they're both a) much cheaper and b) of a higher quality, so how could I resist?

But even the comedies tend to be amusing before I've opened them because of this persistent habit Chinese bootleggers have of putting non-sensical Chinglish on the backs of the packages.

For an example, let me quote from the recent Seinfeld seasons 1-9 package I bought (for 25 yuan/~$3.50). On the back, where there's supposed to be some sort of explanation of the show and/or praise for its success, it reads:

"Kramer's wardrobe of mostly 1960s and 1970s clothing was not intended to make him into retro fashions, so much as to suggest that he hadn't bought clothes in several years.

"The pants in particular were alway about an inch too short in order to stress this. In later seasons, appropriate clothing became increasingly difficult for producers to find, due to the combination of it getting older as well as the extreme popularity of Kramer as a character."

And on and on it goes, filling the entire page with a history of Kramer's wardrobe choices. Me gusta.

Socialism! Yikes!

Socialism is a dirty word in America. I would say the general idea, the broad equation, would be something like this:

socialism = communism = Stalin raping the Statue of Liberty

The truth is, more and more, America is a socialist country, you know, just like every other developed nation. We have huge gaps, sure, especially socialized medicine, but we'll get there someday.

Which is part of why I enjoyed this article so much. You've got your typical Republican intellectual heavyweights, you know baby-faced Mitch McConnell and my own state's brilliant Senator, Liddy Dole, bitching and moaning about the government intervening to save all of these banks that're going over the cliff like a bunch of lemmings. Of course, it's our Republican president who came up with the bailout plan. There're Republicans staffing the Federal Reserve and Department of Commerce. And I dare say, those CEOs and financial wizards at AIG and whereever else, well, my guess is a lot of them are Republicans too. Bill Clinton said about 15 years ago, "the era of big government is over." Back up the turnip truck, bubba, and take another look.