The Bicycle Thief

May God damn this person.

I bought a new bike a few weeks ago, for the usual reasons: it gets me around quicker, and it's a kind of exercise I actually enjoy (more or less). I used it everyday, and was really getting a kick out of it.

Two weeks in, I come home from a weekend away to find that the lock fastening my bike to the communal rail has been smashed by some sort of blunt implement, wielded no doubt by one who could be similarly described.

Well, after a few days I got myself a hacksaw and did away with that problem.

Which brings us to today. I rode my bike to work like I always do, secured it to a tree in front of the building like I always do, and left it alone for a few hours. When I came down 3-4 hours later for a smoke break, lo and behold!, the bike was gone and the (new) bike lock was open and lying in the street like a vagrant.

I know this sort of shit goes down everyday back home, but I thought here in Korea, land of smiles (well, close enough), land of the honest adjumma who'll clean your apartment and leave the stack of man-wons untouched I wouldn't have to deal with the sphincter crusts of humanity who are bicycle thieves.

Lesson learned.

Who are these fucktards who are having trouble with digital TV?

Meet Dennis Cuddy. He bought his converter antenna like a dutiful little soul. He set everything up for the big day, or so he thought. But, as it turns out, he can't get ABC or PBS nowadays.

The article tries to point out that it's not his fault, the local ABC affiliate needs some kind of power booster or something. But, Mr. Cuddy, it is your fault. Get fucking cable. Catch up with the rest of the world. Stop living in the 1950s. Then you won't have to miss a minute of "Regis & Kelly."

Matthew Brady I'm Not

It was at a distressingly recent moment in my past that I realized that despite being able to appreciate what makes for a good photograph, I am unable to reproduce those qualities in my own picture-taking. Nevertheless, I want to pass along some photos I recently shot in and around my neighborhood.

Not because they are any good, of course, but just because I realized the other day while formatting the memory card in my camera that during all my time in China I took only a half a dozen photos, none of them publishable. I don't mean to imply any sort of lurid goings-on. The Chinese photos in question were just of the typical insipid quality one finds in the photo albums of the perpetually bored: photos of shoe-less feet, spilled beer, roving cockroaches, etc. etc.

Anyway, without further introduction, some photos of my current neighborhood:

The view from my apartment-


My mostly obscured apartment building -

Bupyeong Gu Office -

The building with my hagwon, on the 6th floor (CIS) -

My Favorite Scenes in Film, the Top 5

#5

Despite what rottentomatoes.com has to say, this is still the best Star Trek film, and this is the best moment in it:


#4

Like the Star Wars franchise, there are so many moments to pick from in the Godfather films. But this scene really is the turning point, and it was beautifully written/shot/choreographed/acted.


#3

Eyes Wide Shut is one of those movies you either love or hate, and I fall in with the former, of course. I have a little bit of an obsession with secret societies, and that's partly why I enjoy this scene so much. But I also think it's exceptional because it, like the movie that envelops it, and to go a bit grandiose - like life, is imperfect, unfulfilled, and never fully understood. Kubrick's last flick was his best, enjoy:


#2
No one, and I mean no one (here's lookin' at you, Tarantino) uses music to supplement the story better than Martin Scorcese. Likewise no one gives us better biopics of American capitalist/criminals, our heroic villains, our latter day Gatsbys. The best scene in his best film:


#1
Casablanca may not always be considered a great film. Myopic movie-watchers of the future may frown on the moral certitudes it presents, its stereotypes and caricatures...they may even call it propaganda. But has the cause of the people and of liberty ever been better rendered in film? If it has, I haven't seen it. By far my all time favorite cinematic scene:

My Favorite Scenes in Film

I waste a lot of time on youtube, so I took a little time nosing around to see which of my favorite film scenes I could find. I couldn't find everything, but here are some of them. #s 10-6

#10

Number 10 and I'm already cheating. Two scenes follow, actually, in part because I couldn't find the exact scene from this director I was looking for (the sisters' lunch scene from Hannah and Her Sisters). But these will certainly suffice:

The "d'jew?" scene from Annie Hall:


And the opening of Manhattan:


#9

This is from a movie called "Funny Games," which is one of those films you can't really recommend because it is so intense and so disturbing that to do so makes you seem like a weirdo in the recommendee's eyes. But I saw this flick last year and it rocked me to the core, especially this scene:


#8

It's hard to choose a scene from the Star Wars saga, because in the original trilogy there are so many classic moments. But I think Luke and Vader's final confrontation, despite the weaknesses of Return of the Jedi, is still the highlight of the entire series:


#7

I was lucky the first time I saw Rear Window, in that I genuinely didn't know what was going to happen and brought nothing with me to the viewing experience beforehand. For many first-time viewers nowadays, that may not be the case. Nonetheless, the climactic scene is still great:


#6

If you ask someone who's seen it, they'll probably tell you Heat is a great film. Then why the **** doesn't it get more credit? It seems to be the great film that everyone forgets to mention. The heist scene in it is the best of its kind, and one of the best scenes in film IMO:


1-5 to come later.

The English Empire

This article explains why I will always have a job. Well, unless, non-native speakers in countries like Korea learn the language well enough that they could speak it to their students...haha, like that would ever happen.

I also dig the spelling mistake in the pic from China, there...it's supposed to say "One World One Dream." Yup, that about sums the whole thing up.

English Teachers Harming Korea, Again

This time kind it's actually kind of true, and not an exaggeration in the media about drugs/sex/pederasts/etc., though it's no fault of the teachers in question.

An English teacher brought swine flu with her into the country not too long ago, hung out with a bunch of other waegukins, and they all wound up being put in quarantine. You can read their blog about their ongoing ordeal here.

And here's another one.

Roger and Me

Hey! HEY! Look over here! You're not going to be distracted from my witty musings by some soft core porn, are you?

Seriously, I searched google images for "star trek" and that was one of the first images that popped up. So, I thought, why not? Besides, it's a shame Enterprise was canceled just as it was hitting its stride.

But I digress. The point of this post is thus: I have come here to bury Star Trek, not to praise it. As far as I can tell, in the near future, the Star Trek that we pasty corpulent bug-eyed geeks loved a little too much, well, that Star Trek is dead. Gene Roddenberry's Star Trek is long gone.

I saw the movie. I saw it the first day it came out, in one of the first screenings. I couldn't wait to jump into it. And for the first 30 minutes or so, I was really digging it.

But then something stupid happened. Then another fortuitous dodge, another lucky duck, another chase scene, another witty line dropped perfectly post-action scene-climax, another wink at the camera, another unBElievable coincidence, another shot of the inarticulate brooding villain in his cavernous pointy Death Star, another Ewok scene (yes, by Zeus' beard there's an actual Ewok in this movie (Scotty's sidekick)), another shot of Winona Ryder attempting to emote...and...I'd had enough.

This is an action movie. Don't get me wrong, I like action movies. I like action movies because they're an excuse to have a carefree 2 hours and down a bucket of popcorn. But Star Trek is supposed to be something more than that. It is supposed to have a message. Yeah, that means it won't always be as popular as franchises like Star Wars or Die Hard. But it will be better. And by trying to blend those two popular film series and slapping the name "Star Trek" on the regurgitated steaming pile of excrement you've produced, you're devaluing the series overall. And that pisses me off.

Yes, I'm a geek, and yes there's a great Onion story that essentially zings me (see below), but at least I'm not completely alone in this view. Roger Ebert essentially agrees with me (or less presumptively, I with him). So I guess I'll have to take solace in that.


Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As 'Fun, Watchable'

Uh, the universe is an awesome place

I've always said I want to live forever, not because I think I deserve to or that my extended lifetime would contribute anything more to humanity or posterity or whatever. It's for purely selfish reasons: I hate thinking about all the cool shit I'm gonna miss out on after I'm gone.

I just know that the day after I get smacked by a bus the Vulcans are gonna drop by to say hi, or scientists will invent some sort of consciousness-saving machine, or we'll finally have a fat free yogurt that doesn't skimp on flavor.

Articles like this one only reinforce this notion. An unimaginably vast entity/mass/something that's sucking the rest of the universe towards it just beyond the cosmic horizon? This is the first I'm hearing of something so unbelievably fucking cool. It makes you wonder what else is out there. And notice how the author speculates wildly about what it could be:

"the dark flow theory hints that this mass, or super structure, could be anything from another universe to a realm of whimsical fancy whose physics, forces and warped space-time are completely beyond any of us. Unicorns, flying cars, cats and dogs living in harmony, you name it and it could be true, as we'll never, ever make it there to find out first hand."

That is exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about. I just know that in ten generations or so people're gonna be zipping around in their personal spaceships out to X Zone for a weekend of hedonism limited only by their imaginations while I'll be maggot meat.

But I suppose I should count my blessings. Think of all the things I have now that they lacked 10 generations ago. And most of what I take for granted today would have been inconceivable and frankly terrifying to someone from the distant past. Remember how when they showed the first movie in that Paris theater the people ran screaming for their lives out of the building because they thought the train was going to come out of the screen and crush them? Who knows what kind of hilarious freak out I'd have were I to encounter the technology of the distant future?

No one. And no one ever will. Tear.

According to "Protect a Cow"

Bob Dylan is an occultist and either an ally or a pawn of the Illuminati who promotes alcoholism and "cow murder." Thank the stars for youtube, the crazies finally have their forum. Check out this video and don't miss the last 10 seconds, they're the best part.

Hello, I'm Deathnote

This article about the popularity of English names among the English-speaking Chinese was interesting, I thought.

Basically English names persist because a) non-Chinese speakers find most Chinese names impossible to pronounce and b) they're viewed as "cool" for a variety of complex cultural reasons.

I've never liked the whole English name trend, and I prefer to address my students and anyone else I meet by their real name, whether I butcher its pronunciation or not. Fortunately Korean names, for me at least, are a lot easier to pronounce than their Chinese counterparts.

The author briefly touched on how so many Asians with English names make bizarre choices and stick with them even after being counseled that their appellation of choice sounds ridiculous to the native ear. That's certainly true. When I was in China, I taught a moon faced girl named "Ocean" and a shifty eyed boy named "Flea." The strangest name a student ever had, tho, was "Deathnote," pronounced "Deasuh-nosuh" by Koreans. I just can't see anyone with that sort of English name rising to be a CEO or Senator someday.

I am so totally not a racist, but...

...is there anything that strikes you as funny about this video?

"Don't worry, I am rich!"

My boss is a nice and decent guy, which by hagwon standards makes him a frikkin saint. I have absolutely no (serious) complaints so far which is pretty amazing. Appraising a hagwon as such is similar to saying the same about an airport - to have no complaints is about the highest praise which can be given.

His English is also pretty good, and if we were again to apply typical hagwon standards that would make him a savant amongst his peers. He has a meeting with S (the other waegukin teacher) and I every week in which he lays out the upcoming schedule and we go over any problems or issues. This meeting always happens on Monday, which was today.

Today's meeting was like a good, new song: familiar but also different. He again reiterated that we were both doing a good job and that there have been no real complaints from mothers of late (which astonishes me every time I hear it, knowing as I do how prickly Korean mothers can be and how susceptible they are to the exaggerations of their delinquent offspring). He also reemphasized that the Korean economy continues to suffer and because of that many parents are pulling their kids out of hagwons to help make ends meet. He even provided a worrisome factoid to drive home that point - our school currently has an "enrollment" of about 150 students, the lowest level since its founding 6 years ago.

This detail provided, he segued into a lengthy digression during which he tried to reassure the quiescient S, and the similarly demeanored I, that our jobs and the position of the school were secure. Naturally this automatically caused me to wonder if the school is indeed solvent or if I am soon to have something else in common with those throngs of recently-laid off Wall Street bankers other than the fact that women find us irresistible. Visions of the 100,000 word Newsweek article I read this weekend about Bernie Madoff insisting up until the very end that all was well flashed through my head. But Mr. Kim was persistent, and quite long winded, and there's something to be said for numbing the minds of your inferiors with near-endless blather, after all it worked for Hitler. And he even at one point blurted out a hearty "don't worry, I'm rich!" which was both reassuring and amusing, kinda like a holiday Far Side cartoon.

Not that I'm worried, I'd land another job easily here. But to quote Marge Simpson: "I've dug myself into a nice little rut here." And I like it.

VenomFangX and Inevitability

I stumbled on this guy's videos on youtube via a long ago "debate" he had with a vlogger I've watched a few times, the subtly named "Amazing Atheist." I thought he was a smarmy idiot and I wrote him an email telling him so, but I have to admit I also clicked "subscribe" at the same time. I wanted to see what else he'd get up to.

The answer hasn't surprised me, and really, considering the fact that he's youtube's version of a televangelist, it was inevitable. Feel free to waste time watching this video in which he, shock!, talks about all the money he's making:



Notice how he cleverly defends stealing from a bunch of idiotic well-wishers to fund his bullshit ministry. "Oh, I only asked for $1, but...ok, if you WANT to give me $500, well, God bless you" etc etc. If this guy had only been born a coupla thousand years earlier he'd probably have churches built in his honor today.

A typical VenomFangX fan:


I love what she does with her arms!

Rice Tards

I feel I must link to this post.

Rice Tard. Ha.

The Story of My Life

Holy Shit, There's Another Dylan Album Coming Out

Why didn't anyone tell me? This came as a shock to me.


Of course I'm excited to hear new Dylan stuff, but I have to admit I'm a little ambivalent about this. Modern Times, his last record, was a frikkin masterpiece, as were the two that preceded it, Love & Theft and Time Out of Mind. Eternal skeptic that I am, I'm a little worried about whether or not the master can keep this going. Will this new album be another "Slow Train Coming" or another "Under the Red Sky?" (To non Dylanologists, that means, will this be a unique but successful album or a uniquely terrible one?)

Anyway I'm looking forward to finding out for myself.

Update: well I've listened to the pre-release single, which you can hear here, and I love it. Hope springs eternal. Love the accordion.

The Force Is Strong With This One

I saw this guy's videos on youtube and thought I'd share. He pretty much sums up my feelings on Star Wars better than anyone else I've ever heard. Enjoy:

Korean Students Are Some of the Best in the World at Math

Here's why:

Facebook and Birthdays

It was my birthday last week. Don't worry, I didn't care either.

I'm still young, but I'm getting to the point where birthdays are no longer a cause for celebration.

"Has it been ANOTHER year already?" I've asked myself on the birthday eves of recent years during which the impact of the day is considered.

And nowadays, not only do you have to deal with the real life stresses of the anniversary of your birth, but you also have to deal with all the goddamn facebook well-wishers.

I deliberately removed my birthday from my account several months ago, in the hopes that the day would pass unnoticed, and there were still a dozen of so people who were compelled to wish me a happy day. Here's a message to facebook birthday whores: fuck off.

I don't want to hear from you. I'm not going to wish you a happy birthday on your page when your day rolls around. I don't care about your birthday and I'll thank you to return the favor. If I see you in real life, and it's your birthday, I'm happy to wish you the best. But via facebook? Nope.

And now comes the worst part. I have to write insipid little thank you notes to all of these goons. Every fucking one of 'em. If I skip over ONE PERSON, then I guarandamntee you that person will be super offended.

"Why did he thank janie and not me?" judie will ask herself. And then she'll cry her fat little face to sleep.

It's times like these that make me want to abandon it all and get a shack in the woods, Kacyznski-style.