Attention Bums: Stop Calling Me 'Sir'

In the past week or two, I've been approached by a good dozen or so bums. In California, I gather, this is no big thing. But what's really pissing me off ain't the sacrificed cigarettes and pocket change, it's the way they address me. "Excuse me, sir," "Hello, sir, could I.....,""Pardon Me, Sir," and so on and so forth.

I'm not old enough to be a "Sir," bums. I just turned 25. I know my stately paunch and dismissive air may lead to the wrong impression, but let's face it, what separates me from you guys is only a misplaced ATM card and a bender too far. Keep your Sirs to yourselves, ok?

In other news, I've moved to San Diego. We'll see where this goes. First impressions:

1) Mexicans everywhere. Oh, excuse me, I meant Latinos everywhere.

That's pretty much it so far. I'm not very observant.

Zodiac, or, 'Let's Have a Go of It for 2 1/2 Hours Then Just Stop'

Oooh, creepy poster. It's got...fog...and a bridge. Plus it's night I guess, so that's bad.

Saw the new Zodiac movie today, the one starring the drug addict, the gay cowboy, and the d00d who's face you recognize but whose name you can't never 'member. It was disappointing.

Maybe it's because the reviews were positive, maybe it's b/c the ticket-tearer piped up with 'hey, I hear that's really good' on the way in...whatever the reason I was let down.

Oh, I know, maybe it's because we have this intense investigation that drives the whole plot, we weave in and out of a shitload of suspects/false leads/creepy encounters for 2 1/2 hours and then all of a sudden everything just stops. Seriously, it's like they ran out of film or something. We never know for sure if 'Leigh' did it, we never have a final confrontation with him, we don't even get a creepy "but he's still out there" final scene with a fade to black and sinister music a la Silence of the Lambs. Instead, everything just stops. The final scene is in an airport 10 years after all the action with two characters who weren't even featured significantly in the story. This is how it goes:

Coppish Guy: Hey man, what's up? Which one of these doods is that badass killer we've been chasing for two decades?

Dirty Guy: It's that guy right there, bro.

Coppish Guy: You sure?

Dirty Guy: Yeah, man.

(Roll credits)

What a fucking tease. The last act of this movie was the cinematic equivalent of a cold shower.

I know, I know, it was based on a true story and that's what really happened, and the gay cowboy had his book published and all calling Leigh out, and the explainer paragraphs at the end pretty much assure us he was right. But it was a really bad ending to a movie. If you're gonna tell a story, then you need a climax, and if you have to take a few liberties with the truth in attaining one, well, that's what you do. If I just want the facts I'll watch a documentary.

Still, it was better than 300.

This man is my hero

Why? Here's why:

Click me, bitch!

Wow.

300 Reasons Why You Shouldn't See '300'

1) It's probably gonna cost you somewhere between 6 and 10 bucks.

2) You're also gonna need a good two hours to devote to it, and like the money, you ain't getting that back.

3) Do you see the picture over there ---->? If you had to characterize his manner of speaking, what would you choose? Whispering? Shouting? Pompous bellowing? I'd lean towards the latter of those three, too, and now try and imagine a full length feature film wherein that is the only way folx communicate. Yeah.

4) Shirtless dudes to scantily clad ladies ratio --> 300: 1.

5) Sloooooooooow mooooootiooooon allllllllllll oooooooooooffff tttttttthhhhhhhhhheeeeeee tttttttttiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmeee iiiiiissssssss rrrrrrreeeeeaaaaaaaallllllllllllyyyyyyyy aaannnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooyyyyyyiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnggggggg.

6) You know how it ends already.

7) Apparently the Persians circa few thousand years ago were all gray skinned monsters. Who knew?

8) There's a needless subplot about the wife and politics and I don't have the energy to go into it.

9) After the 15th pointless slow motion decapitation, you get kinda bored with it.

10) For some reason one of the Spartans looks like this guy:

And they DON'T play it up for laughs.

11) Every mundane gesture gets verbally slobbered all over by the voiceover dude. Example from how I imagine the script:

(Leonidas picks up his sword)

Voiceover Guy: Leonidas was skilled with the sword from the start, his inner steel matched the strength of his blade, in his glorious youth he had slain eight mountainous wolf beasts in an epic struggle over the rights to feed on a felled deer yadda yadda yadda....

Or

(Yookpilones takes a bite from an apple)

VG: Oh, the Spartans were a hungry bunch, but their hunger for battle was even greater, indeed in taking a bite out of his apple Yookpilones yearned to do the same to his foe, the hordes of the Persian Empire who had massed on yonder shore....

All of this would be filmed in slow motion, of course, while the hero gazes thoughtfully into the distance or at a fallen comrade or straight into the sun.

12)There are all sorts of eye-rolling inducing winks and hints at our current war in Iraq, things like "We are at war, why can't you realize it, we have to stand and fight!" and "Freedom comes at a price."

13) Leonidas has a stupid looking beard.

14)One homeboy takes out a charging rhino with his spear.

15) There's a group of dudes who all look just like the Emperor in Return of the Jedi. Struck me as kind of a rip off, specially since they're baddies, too.

16) The archetypal noble queen totally bangs the bad guy, and then she murders him, and then, surprise surprise, she has a witty little thing to say to him as he dies. Cliche factor 5.

Bad Guy: I'm turning the tables on you and exposing you as a whore and doing generally evil things blah blah blah....

Queen: How dare you!

Bad Guy: Blah blah blah whore blah blah blah I banged you blah blah blah...

Queen: (steals his sword and stabs him in the gut)

Bad Guy: Whoa, I wish I hadn't been bad.

Queen: I am going to say something witty as you die that will make your death even worse, so there!

17) There are all these cool giant monster guys that have like 10 minutes of buildup and then die in 10 seconds. There's this one dude who's chained up by the Persians (so you know he must be super badass) and he's like 8 feet tall and his face is all fucked and everything, and we see him coming to the battle for like 10 minutes, roaring the whole time. Seriously, imagine like this:

Goliath guy: (10 minutes) Raaaaaaaarrrrr rarrarararara!!! ARRRRRR!!!!! (/10 minutes)

Leonidas: Hello extra ugly and tall bad guy. I will kill you!

Goliath: No you won't!

(Leonidas kills him) (End Scene)

18) For some reason Sparta has a giant pit in the middle of town. They should put a fence up or something.

19) People have weird accents. One dude's from Australia, another's from the UK, another's from India, etc etc.

20) The Greeks are wholly good and the Persians are wholly bad. From what I know about both peoples, I think I'd've rather been living in Perseopolis about this time than Sparta.

21) The Spartans are a fucked up people, and yet they're cast as the absolute good. These guys threw babies who weren't up to snuff out into the woods, enslaved their neighbors so they could perpetuate their warrior culture while 'lesser' people minded the fields and whatnot, and generally caused lots of problems. Give me the Persians with their cool elephants and shit anyday. Plus, number of brothels per civilization seen in 300: Persians -1 Spartans - 0. Check. Mate.

22) Leonidas has to bust his ass to get up to this Greek temple on the top of this inaccessible rocky protrusion, and then there's like 8 old guys up there. And they later get visited by flabby bad guy and his cohorts. How the fuck did they all get up there?

23) Dudes stand around and talk about their hearts a lot. "My heart is filled with love" "my heart is filled with hate" "What fills your heart?" and so on. Gay.

24) I started pulling for the Persians about 1/4 of the way through the movie.

25) The Persians are constantly falling down. Falling off of cliffs, falling to the bottom of the sea, falling off of horses, etc etc. What's with that?

26) Sin City was way better. It was fun. 300 isn't.

27) Enough with the comic book movies. I love comic books, but just b/c someone has an idea and it was in a comic book doesn't mean it should be made into a film.

28) I nearly walked out.

300) It's worse than Mel Gibson's The Passion.

More Inane Korean Kid-Chatter!

Giving the people what they want-

Dancing Queen

What can be said about this? It pretty much speaks for itself. From our rehearsal for the upcoming graduation:

The Blasphemy Challenge

This is interesting, I think, if perhaps a bit misguided.

Belated Best Wishes for Christmas

Sure, I'm a few weeks late in posting this, but I think it's pretty funny so it's worth it. My kids gave me a bunch of cards for Christmas, and they were filled with the usual platitudes and misspellings. This one was the best:

The many faces of SLP Santa

There's this great Far Side cartoon I saw once called "The Many Faces of a German Shepard" or something like that. There are a series of portraits of the same dog's face, some are labeled "ecstatic" "thrilled" "jubilant" some say "bored" "ill" "suicidal," and of course...they all look the same. With that introduction, I bring you the many faces of the SLP Santa.

Happy Santa:


Distraught Santa:

Sweaty Santa:

Mischievous Santa:

Murderous Santa:

And a few non-Santa related SLP pictures:

Booty

Stuff is cheap in China. I bought a shitload of clothes...some of it fits, some, well, doesn't, but I still made out ok in the end trust me. But the best deal I found while I was there was buying bootleg movies...Christ I thought Yongsan had some good shit, they've got nothing on these little places underground in Beijing. I bought all of this for about 5 bucks -

And this ain't no pan and scan shit from the back of a movie theater in Moscow, which is half of what you get here in Korea. This is DVD quality stuff for movies that are still in the theaters back home...heck, Flags of Our Fathers came out like last week.

Anyway, it's enabled me to catch up on a lot of movies I've wanted to see but missed, being in Korea and all...so far I've watched The Departed, Clerks II, Talladega Nights, and World Trade Center, and they all ranged from good to great. Thank you bootleggers!

China

So, I went to China for 8 days during my end of year vacation. It was great...I saw a lot of interesting stuff and I liked a lot about the country. There were things I didn't like...by the end of my visit I was telling the incessant random strangers that come up to you there trying to sell you shit or scam you or knife you in the back in their "art gallery" that's just around the corner to fuck off. This is how it would go:

Day 1 -

Random Chinese person: "Hi, how are you?"

Me: "Oh, I'm good, and you?"

CP: "Fine. Where are you from?"

Me: "America."

CP: "Oh, America good country. Very nice. I am a poor art student. Would you like to buy some of my random shit?"

Me: "No, thank you. Have a nice day."

Day 3-

CP: "Hi, how are you?"

Me: silence

CP: "Where are you from?"

Me: "America."

CP: "Oh, America is very good country. You want to buy Mao T-shirt?"

Me: walking away faster, in silence

Day 8 -

CP: "Hi, how are-"

Me: "Fuck off you fucking lowlife."


Seriously, the Chinese folx need to do something about the hawkers before the Olympics get revved up in 2008. It was the biggest blight on an otherwise fun trip.

Oh, I got into a fight with a 10 year old street urchin. That was kind of a downer. Dude had the holey mittens and the wool cap, Dickens style. He was a classic stereotype...of course, I felt like something of a stereotype, too, after I kicked him in the face so he'd let go of me and I could close the cab door...for the rest of that day I kept looking in the mirror and seeing Mr. Burns. Oh well, it's a long story and I don't feel like explaining it all, but I felt more or less justified.

I also met a midget with a huge cock. You see, there's this bar in Shanghai...no, just kidding, well, about the bar, I really did meet a well endowed midget. Picture below. Seriously (more or less).

I saw the sights, of course.

Impressive: the Great Wall, the Summer Palace (it was especially beautiful when I visited b/c it was snowing and the lake was frozen - people could walk all the way across it), the Temple of Heaven, Shanghai's skyline

Cool Enough: the Bund area in Shanghai (it's the historic European district), the Shanghai museum (supposedley the best in China - it was cool, but if that's your best, well, let's just say the Louvre folks aren't sweating), Tiannemen square, the Beijing art museum, Beijing's various shopping areas especially Sanlitu Lu

Meh: Forbidden City, Yu Yuan in Shanghai, the Oriental Pearl Tower

There's plenty more to say, but pictures're worth 1000 words, and I can post them a lot faster than I can type so many words.


Tiannamen Square.

Mao sees all.

Christmas Eve dinner with a show.

The Temple of Heaven on Christmas morning.

The Temple of Heaven, again.

Peking duck on the 25th. Yummy!

Climbing towards the Great Wall at Badaling there are these bears in a cage as an added distraction.

Me looking goofy on the wall.

Can you guess what that is?

The really, really tall Oriental Pearl tower in Shanghai. 350 meters.

One of the tasteful exhibits on display at the Shanghai Sex Museum.

The aforementioned midget. Yowza!

Also at the sex museum: (I don't think you can read it) "A knife for castration."

Ok, so I took a lot of pictures there. It was a fun place.

One of the old European buildings in central Shanghai, along the river. If you could somehow only look at the buildings, and ignore the Chinese people and Chinese words everywhere, you'd swear you were in some old European city half the time. It was a really fascinating city to walk around in.

One of the not so old buildings in Shanghai.

Bikers queued up for the light. Yes, there are bicyclists everywhere in China.

I like the contrasts in this picture, despite the blurriness.

Yes Virginia, there is a Taco Bell in Asia.

And no, it's not good. Mis enchiladas had weird cheeses and spices, and they were served with a side of corn on the cob and a cold bean/corn salad of some sort. They did have corona, however (with a lemon - sigh).

The tablet of 1000 buddhas or somesuch nonsense, at the Shanghai museum.

This was some ancient warrior king, but I couldn't figure out why he was dancing on a baby. The staff wasn't able to give me a solid answer.

"The Curse of the Golden Flower." It's good.

Shanghai's Western skyline, as seen from atop the OP tower.

The Eastern Skyline, as seen from the boardwalk. Yes, it really looks like that.

Yu Yuan in Shanghai.

Yu Yuan shopping district.

Back in snowy Beijing at the Forbidden City.

The Summer Palace (on a not so summery day):

People walking around on Kunming (I think) lake

The marble boat.

I didn't take enough pictures that day, but it was probably the most impressive place I visited...aside from the Great Wall.

And we end our visual narrative there. In the end I was so enamored of China that I enlisted in the military. Because of my vast military expertise I was quickly promoted up the ranks. I salute you all, my former capitalist brethren.