The Secret Blunderer

I recently read about some disturbing news in Kunming, a city in southern China. It reminded me of Conrad's novel The Secret Agent, in which an idiotic young man accidentally blows himself to bits while carrying a bomb around town.

The news is this: some Chinese d00d with a grudge in Kunming walked into the local expat hangout a few days ago apparently with the plan to blow a good chunk of it and its patrons away. Luckily, he messed up, and you can read about his death here.

Thank gawd for the internets or I would've never heard about this, the English language media here never reports about anything negative or anything that might put China or its citizens in something other than the best possible light. I never understood how boring propaganda can be until I started watching CCTV9 - the english language Chinese news network. But I'll save my rant about them for another day.

All in all, I'm glad the only one hurt was the bomber himself.

Shanghai Scammers

The end of the term is fast approaching, thank gawd, and I have a nice little break coming up. I've been planning to go to Shanghai for at least a few days, maybe a week, just to stretch my legs a little bit.


Unfortunately I'm dreading some very likely encounters with scammers and/or touts. I visited Shanghai for an afternoon a few weeks ago and mistakenly decided to stroll down Nanjing Lu, the most famous shopping street in town. I was probably approached 20 times in a few hours by the "tea girls" and dozens of times by touts selling their crap wares. You can read details about Shanghai scams on this thread; also, I quite like the picture halfway down the page.

I have some experience with these people. This summer I was pickpocketed three times while in Barcelona (though thankfully I noticed what was happening each time before they got away). And during my first visit to China, the first place I went was Tianamen(sp) Square, and the first thing I encountered were a couple of "students" who wanted to take me to their "art gallery." I didn't fall for it, thankfully. There was also the street urchin I literally had to kick in the face to leave me alone, but the records on that incident are sealed and I will say no more - unless you get me drunk.

I've yet to encounter the "bag swipers on mopeds" yet, and hope I never will. Those guys sound good.

Although everyone with experience with these people counsels "ignore them, smile and try to walk away, be polite," and though I've followed that advice before, I think I'm going to go about it differently next time it happens. The first person who comes up to me and says "excuse me, do you speak English," I'm going to answer "yes, fuck you."

It should make for an interesting visit. I'll keep you posted.

My China Moto

I like to indulge the occasional explorer fantasy with random internet searches, and today I came across mychinamoto.com, a website for dirt bike riders in China, especially those who like to ride their bikes West out of the sprawling cities and into the underpopulated countryside.

I found this post, and I can't wait to do something similar, once I get myself a dirt bike, 30,000 RMB or so, and balls the size of watermelons like the author has. But anyway it's an interesting read.

PC Room Stories

Since I've been in China, for that matter since I left Korea in July, I have been operating sans computer. This has not been easy, in part because I can't search for porn, waste time with video games, or illegally download music and tv shows like I used to. But I've also been forced to rely on my local PC room, which is something less than perfect.

First let me just get away with praising Korea once more. Korean PC bangs, despite being dark smelly generally unhappy places, represent the difference between flying first class and hanging on for dear life as a stow-away amidst the cargo whence compared to their Chinese counterparts.

My biggest complaint is how much the internet sucks here. It's slower than the short bus in reverse. Time wasters like youtube, facebook, and the washington post are all more or less inaccessible because of The Great Firewall that protects the people's republic here.

Then there's the filth. Public PC rooms are typically not the cleanest of places, whether you're in sunny Barcelona or chilly Seoul. But the ones in China have managed to distinguish themselves. Roaches are abundant, well-organized, and bold; I can't count how many times I've had one crawl across my keyboard and caress my typing hands before I recoiled in horror, shrieking like a banshee. And one time I avoided my local PC room for an entire week, a lifetime in Internet hours, because a rat jumped from the ceiling and landed a few feet away from me before scurrying away into the impenetrable darkness.

Also, the computers are all locked away, protected in a plastic cage, meaning you can't open the CD drive to play Age of Empires or even plug in your iPod to try and charge it.

The quality of people you meet at these places is also something less than spectacular. I remember the first time I walked into one, I encountered a stream of giggly derka before I finally realized they wanted to see my passport, and when I logged onto the computer and couldn't spot the ubiquitous Internet Explorer icon, I asked the helper dude a single word I thought he might understand: "Internet?" It's a cognate in Korean and anyway I thought surely someone who spends so much time around computers must know that word, whether he's Chinese or not. Instead he looked dumbfounded, pointed at me, and then made some joke to his buddy.

This last one's the kicker, tho, the gawkers. I come into my local PC room now 5 or 6 times a week, so I'm more or less a fixture and no one pays me any mind. But every now and then there'll be some newbie who's never seen me before and who just has to check up on what the laowai's doing with a computer. Just the other day I had some guy walk over to my chair and stand behind me, alternatively watching me and my monitor, for something like 30 minutes. At one point I turned around and stared at him for a good 15 seconds, but it did no good. For him, watching me read wikipedia and check email was a fulfilling and rewarding way to pass the time.

I will not miss these places.

Misfits

The three categories of ESL-abroad teachers, based on my experience and ratified by conversation and, by extension, the experience of others, in decreasing levels of representation, are:

1) the short-timers, in it for the money and a little excitement
2) the wanderers
3) the crazies on the run from something

Those in category 3 are, by far, the least common, but one of the persistent joys of being a category 1 or 2-er is encountering the rarer birds amidst our flock.

I've known a few, and though I can't really say I've known any codeine-addicted leprechaun kathoey-lovers, or anyone who walked off alone into the Saudi desert, or a mentally unstable ex-fencing instructor, well, they're out there. And as the man says: here's hopin', one day.

To borrow from Mr. Dylan, someday when I paint my masterpiece I'll have to include them in it. I just need to meet a few more, first.

Crackle! Pop! SNAP!

It's a good thing I'm such a mellow, stable person. A lesser soul would've snapped by now.

No, this is not about the shit in the streets, or mind-boggingly stupid taxi drivers, or eery nationalistic college students. This post is about fireworks.

Every fucking Sunday morning, like clockwork, they go off. Seemingly right outside my window. And EARLY. I'm talking, like, 9 AM. Gawd knows what's being celebrated every week at this time. The Chinese set them off on birthdays, when businesses open, when they find 10 RMB in the street...any miniscule cause for celebration at all results in the ceremonial lighting of the wick followed by the ritualistic "oohs" at the sight/sound of exploding gunpowder. I had one student tell me they even set off fireworks at funerals, which seems bizarre to me.

And it's not just the noise waking me up. I've just never understood what the big fuss was all about, here or back home. You light someting on fire and it blows up. Big frikkin deal. Once you've seen it once...apparently you need to see it ten thousand more times, according to the rest of the fireworks-craving world. But for me once or twice is enough. Maybe if the firework was actually destroying something, like a window or a small car, then it might be interesting. But otherwise I'm tuned out.

And remember in "Land of the Dead," the zombie movie, how the zombies were so easily distracted by fireworks? Call me a fireworks-elitist, but that's how I feel about fireworks-lovers. You're all mindless zombies waiting to be hacked to bits by machete-wielding survivalists. And you deserve it. So keep your head in the clouds if you like, but when John Leguizamo comes looking for me I'll be ready.

Bong Hits for Mao

Taken from Newsweek magazine:

"Starting Point When the Olympic torch passed through Juneau, Alaska, in 2002, 18-year-old Joseph Frederick saw a chance at TV airtime. His tactic: a banner reading BONG HITS 4 JESUS. Not amused, Frederick's principal confiscated the banner and suspended him for five days. He shot back something about Thomas Jefferson. She tacked on another five.

Fever Pitch Frederick took his free-speech argument to court, with backing from the ACLU. Five years later it was before the U.S. Supreme Court, with Kenneth Starr representing the school. The court ruled that since Frederick was holding the banner at a "school-supervised" (though not on school grounds) event, the principal had a right to restrict what he said about illegal drugs—even if his message was rather nonsensical.

Present Day Now 25, Frederick is learning Mandarin and teaching English in China. Although he is proud that he stood up for his rights, he regrets "the bad precedent set by the ruling." His case was finally settled at the state level in November, winning him $45,000 and forcing the school to hold a forum on free speech."

No, I don't know him.

The American Breakfast

I was reading an article with my freshman class the other day about a Tokyo business hotel. The hotel offered a free "American breakfast" to its residents, and just for kicks I decided to ask my students what they thought that was.

First, I asked what was in a typical Chinese breakfast. "Rice," was the predominant answer, no surprise. In Korea it would have been "kimchi and rice."

Then I asked what they thought Americans ate for breakfast. "Hamburgers!" was the loudest and most repeated answer. I also heard "bread" and "milk" which was a little closer to the truth. Pizza was also a popular answer.

After explaining that sandwiches like hamburgers are most commonly eaten for lunch, dinner, or as a late night drunk-extender, I told them that American breakfasts usually include something like cereal, toasted bread (that's toast to those of you in the red states) and eggs. They got a kick out of that last one.

Hamburgers for breakfast...hmm, not a bad idea.

Poop-idemic

There is a serious problem in Wuxi, and I don't know how to combat it, so I thought I'd come to my blog and complain. The problem is public pooping. You read that right.

Maybe it was the idiotic taxi driver I had today who drove me around for the better part of an hour in a vain search for the UPS store. Maybe it's the fact that this is the 75th straight cloudy/hazy/pollutiony day here in Wuxi. Maybe it's that I almost tripped on the sidewalk last week and had I fallen I would've face planted right into a fresh steaming sidewalk-turd.

But I'm in a bad mood and I'm not going to let this one pass because of "cultural differences" or whatever other BS people use to justify the crapola (literal and otherwise) sometimes encountered in China.

I was walking down Zhong Shan Lu last night, the biggest street right through the heart of downtown on my way to a friends apartment when what do I see? A mother, crouched down on the sidewalk, pulls down her baby's pants and gently taps its behind until nature takes its course. Right there on the sidewalk. In full view of everyone. And then she walked away, leaving the poop unattended, as if God, or nature, or some mystical force were responsible for the piece of shit and not she.

I've lived here almost three months and I've witnessed this spectacle dozens of times. Dozens. And no, I am not exaggerating the number for effect. It happens everywhere: sidewalks, public parks, restaurants...everywhere but the friggin WC, it seems.

Now I've only seen babies doing it, with their matronly accomplices, if that somehow excuses it in your eyes forgiving reader. I have heard tale of, but have yet to encounter first-hand, the mythical grandmother-public-poop. Given enough time I'm sure I will. I can't wait.

Come to think of it, tho, I can't imagine a better metaphor to describe Wuxi than to say that its residents shit all over it.

Bloody Brilliant

I rarely waste time on youtube anymore because the internet's so slow here in China, but this was worth the 15 minutes it took to download:

Not So Banned, and, the Future

Well I guess we can tell from the comments and traffic here it turns out my blog wasn't permanently banned, and I'm not special or a security threat after all. Dang.

Onward and upward.

I had a discussion class this week with my students and I chose "the future of China" as the topic. Some of their answers/ideas were pretty interesting. Listed below.

Cutest answer to the question "what major changes do you foresee in the next 50 years?": In 50 years China will have a city on the moon.

Funniest misuse of a word to describe the future of Taiwan: Someday soon China will swallow Taiwan.

Most alarming opinion on how the mainland should deal with Taiwan: I think China should take advantage of the financial crisis in the US to attack and seize Taiwan.

Number of students (out of 75 or so) who thought Taiwan was a separate country: 0.

Most depressing opinion as to the future of Taiwan: I think it will be destroyed by a bomb.

One student's prediction of the population in the PRC in 50 years: one hundred million. They have a lot of difficulty with numbers.

Number of students who articulated reasonable and nuanced expectations of the future of their country: not a lot.

Banned!

It appears that my blog may have been banned by my gracious Chinese hosts/overlords. I can still access blogger.com (obviously) but trying to get onto my blog itself and read it is impossible. I get the usual "go somewhere else" screen you sometimes get in China.

If you're in China, it's not likely you're reading this, but I'd appreciate it if someone who is in China can read this then please drop me a line. Maybe it's something else, or temporary.

I guess that post with all of the Chinese "red-flag" words finally got processed by some database in Beijing. That was over a month ago. Typical socialist inefficiency, I guess.

Oh well. I have to get going, I've got a big secret meeting with some Falun Gong members, and I have to plan for my democratic protest this evening. Oh, and tomorrow I'm going to read some passages from the Bible in the town square. And then maybe burn a picture of Mao.

I have to get out of this country.

Shamelessly Stolen From Someone Else:

The Wuxi skyline:

A Percent of Perspective

I recently read online at this website, a nice little community for Wuxi expats, that according to government statistics there are 3500 "laowai" or foreigners in our fair city.

I guess that sounds like a lot, until you consider that Wuxi has 5,000,000 residents in total.

So in other words we laowai, of our white, black, and brown complexions and round eyes, represent .0007 % of the population. That explains a lot.

Obama speaks Korean; a Nation Rejoices

This is big, big news in Korea, and no, I'm not kidding.

President-elect Obama, when greeted and asked a question by a Korean national, greeted the student with the Korean version of "hello,": "anyeonghasaeyo."

Trust me, this one gesture will do more to endear him to a nation of validation-starved Koreans than anything George Bush did in 8 years.

I Don't Feel Sorry for John McCain

Here's why:

Down To Earth

Of course I'm thrilled Obama won the election. After John Edwards bowed out he was my candidate, and vs. a Republican, there could be no question. This is a transformative moment for America and its image of itself and to others around the....blah blah blah.

As many other spoilsporters have noted, now the hard part begins. That's certainly true. But I also want to try and bring us back to reality with my own dash of Asianized perspective.

I know people are dancing/crying in the streets as if Martha and the Vandellas are playing. I know this is really, really big news for people in America, and to a certain extent Europe. But let me bring you down to Earth: no one else cares.

That's a blanket statement, so let me elaborate. Sure, the leaders of countries all around the world, people who follow politics, those people care everywhere. But people like you, and if I may presume, an average person like you, pick your country, and they don't care. Believe me, I've met average people before and likely will do so again, why, today even, and I've tried to engage them about the news from America and for my troubles have received a bored shrug.

Think of it this way: did you follow the last change in government in China? The last election in Japan? Do you even know the leaders of those two countries.

My message to Americans back home is this: don't presume that the whole world is watching because CNN says so. That's just another example of the kind of American arrogance people're always pinning on us.

I'd also like to apologize for the lack of paragraph breaks. The motherfucking cocksucking goddamn pisspoor excuses for computers we have access to in this backwater piece of shit town don't fucking want to work with goddamn blogger.com sometimes. Yes it angers me.

Suicide

I have a sad but unsurprising story to relay from my college. I came into the office on Monday and one of the teachers greeted me with the grim news: one of the students in our department had commited suicide.

My first thought was something like "my god, I hope it wasn't one of my students."

Fortunately (is it wrong to say that?) it wasn't. Sydney, the other English teacher, was her instructor. To the best of my knowledge I never spoke to or knew her at all, aside from passing in the hall a few times I'd guess.

Still it was a terrible way to start the week. We learned later that she had always had family problems - her parents had wanted a boy as a child, and when she was born gave her up for adoption - and also that the stress of dealing with school had recently really gotten to her.

Young suicides are a real problem in South Korea (which has the highest suicide rate of anywhere in the world) and I've recently learned from personal experience that it's a serious problem in China as well. The reason is simple: education is the only measure of success for young people in these cultures, and the prospects of potential failure can sometimes be so overwhelming that young students do something desperate. Peruse the ESL message boards for Asia and you'll be shocked at how many "My Student Killed Him/Herself" threads there are.

Sad.

What's Happening in Raleigh?

I try to keep up with my local news while I'm so far away, and I do that mainly through wral.com. This was one of their top stories today:

"Pink limo causes stir in Cary

Posted: Today at 5:49 p.m. Updated: Today at 8:34 p.m.

Raleigh, N.C. — A bright pink limo parked at the Cary Towne Center has caused some complaints in the city that is known for its neutral color palette.

The limo is used by the Sweet and Sassy Spa for girls, which opened at the mall in May. Owner Brenda Sizemore said many refer to the business as “girl heaven.” The limo transports girls to and from the spa. The vehicle’s bright color was selected because “that’s what little girls are all about – pink,” Sizemore said.

While customers may like the color, a handful of people complained to town officials and asked if the limo was violating any town code. Town of Cary Senior Planner Dan Matthys said the vehicle is “in compliance” with the city’s ordinance. "

The fun never stops in the Triangle, does it? Boy those folks live a mile a minute, I tells ya.

Perverted Heaven

I am of course still in Wuxi, but as you may or may not know I'm working on changing that, and returning to South Korea. I've been applying to jobs via recruiters and listings on daveseslcafe.com, which is linked to the right and which is the most popular site for teachers in Korea.

There's also a really popular message board there, and in skimming over it today I came across this, an incredibly lengthy blog post compiling the history of the Korean media's scare-mongering about foreign teachers. It's way too long for anyone without a personal interest to, well, be interested in, but about 2/3's of the way down the author quotes this:

"A source at the foreign affairs division of the Seoul Police Department said, “American and Canadian English teachers think Korea is a ‘land of opportunity.’ [...T]he majority of them find it easy to seduce Korean women and do drugs with them.” Foreign English teachers see Korea not only as a ‘land of opportunity’ but also as a ‘perverted heaven’."

I just love that last phrase there. "Perverted heaven." Yeah, that's about right.