The many faces of SLP Santa

There's this great Far Side cartoon I saw once called "The Many Faces of a German Shepard" or something like that. There are a series of portraits of the same dog's face, some are labeled "ecstatic" "thrilled" "jubilant" some say "bored" "ill" "suicidal," and of course...they all look the same. With that introduction, I bring you the many faces of the SLP Santa.

Happy Santa:


Distraught Santa:

Sweaty Santa:

Mischievous Santa:

Murderous Santa:

And a few non-Santa related SLP pictures:

Booty

Stuff is cheap in China. I bought a shitload of clothes...some of it fits, some, well, doesn't, but I still made out ok in the end trust me. But the best deal I found while I was there was buying bootleg movies...Christ I thought Yongsan had some good shit, they've got nothing on these little places underground in Beijing. I bought all of this for about 5 bucks -

And this ain't no pan and scan shit from the back of a movie theater in Moscow, which is half of what you get here in Korea. This is DVD quality stuff for movies that are still in the theaters back home...heck, Flags of Our Fathers came out like last week.

Anyway, it's enabled me to catch up on a lot of movies I've wanted to see but missed, being in Korea and all...so far I've watched The Departed, Clerks II, Talladega Nights, and World Trade Center, and they all ranged from good to great. Thank you bootleggers!

China

So, I went to China for 8 days during my end of year vacation. It was great...I saw a lot of interesting stuff and I liked a lot about the country. There were things I didn't like...by the end of my visit I was telling the incessant random strangers that come up to you there trying to sell you shit or scam you or knife you in the back in their "art gallery" that's just around the corner to fuck off. This is how it would go:

Day 1 -

Random Chinese person: "Hi, how are you?"

Me: "Oh, I'm good, and you?"

CP: "Fine. Where are you from?"

Me: "America."

CP: "Oh, America good country. Very nice. I am a poor art student. Would you like to buy some of my random shit?"

Me: "No, thank you. Have a nice day."

Day 3-

CP: "Hi, how are you?"

Me: silence

CP: "Where are you from?"

Me: "America."

CP: "Oh, America is very good country. You want to buy Mao T-shirt?"

Me: walking away faster, in silence

Day 8 -

CP: "Hi, how are-"

Me: "Fuck off you fucking lowlife."


Seriously, the Chinese folx need to do something about the hawkers before the Olympics get revved up in 2008. It was the biggest blight on an otherwise fun trip.

Oh, I got into a fight with a 10 year old street urchin. That was kind of a downer. Dude had the holey mittens and the wool cap, Dickens style. He was a classic stereotype...of course, I felt like something of a stereotype, too, after I kicked him in the face so he'd let go of me and I could close the cab door...for the rest of that day I kept looking in the mirror and seeing Mr. Burns. Oh well, it's a long story and I don't feel like explaining it all, but I felt more or less justified.

I also met a midget with a huge cock. You see, there's this bar in Shanghai...no, just kidding, well, about the bar, I really did meet a well endowed midget. Picture below. Seriously (more or less).

I saw the sights, of course.

Impressive: the Great Wall, the Summer Palace (it was especially beautiful when I visited b/c it was snowing and the lake was frozen - people could walk all the way across it), the Temple of Heaven, Shanghai's skyline

Cool Enough: the Bund area in Shanghai (it's the historic European district), the Shanghai museum (supposedley the best in China - it was cool, but if that's your best, well, let's just say the Louvre folks aren't sweating), Tiannemen square, the Beijing art museum, Beijing's various shopping areas especially Sanlitu Lu

Meh: Forbidden City, Yu Yuan in Shanghai, the Oriental Pearl Tower

There's plenty more to say, but pictures're worth 1000 words, and I can post them a lot faster than I can type so many words.


Tiannamen Square.

Mao sees all.

Christmas Eve dinner with a show.

The Temple of Heaven on Christmas morning.

The Temple of Heaven, again.

Peking duck on the 25th. Yummy!

Climbing towards the Great Wall at Badaling there are these bears in a cage as an added distraction.

Me looking goofy on the wall.

Can you guess what that is?

The really, really tall Oriental Pearl tower in Shanghai. 350 meters.

One of the tasteful exhibits on display at the Shanghai Sex Museum.

The aforementioned midget. Yowza!

Also at the sex museum: (I don't think you can read it) "A knife for castration."

Ok, so I took a lot of pictures there. It was a fun place.

One of the old European buildings in central Shanghai, along the river. If you could somehow only look at the buildings, and ignore the Chinese people and Chinese words everywhere, you'd swear you were in some old European city half the time. It was a really fascinating city to walk around in.

One of the not so old buildings in Shanghai.

Bikers queued up for the light. Yes, there are bicyclists everywhere in China.

I like the contrasts in this picture, despite the blurriness.

Yes Virginia, there is a Taco Bell in Asia.

And no, it's not good. Mis enchiladas had weird cheeses and spices, and they were served with a side of corn on the cob and a cold bean/corn salad of some sort. They did have corona, however (with a lemon - sigh).

The tablet of 1000 buddhas or somesuch nonsense, at the Shanghai museum.

This was some ancient warrior king, but I couldn't figure out why he was dancing on a baby. The staff wasn't able to give me a solid answer.

"The Curse of the Golden Flower." It's good.

Shanghai's Western skyline, as seen from atop the OP tower.

The Eastern Skyline, as seen from the boardwalk. Yes, it really looks like that.

Yu Yuan in Shanghai.

Yu Yuan shopping district.

Back in snowy Beijing at the Forbidden City.

The Summer Palace (on a not so summery day):

People walking around on Kunming (I think) lake

The marble boat.

I didn't take enough pictures that day, but it was probably the most impressive place I visited...aside from the Great Wall.

And we end our visual narrative there. In the end I was so enamored of China that I enlisted in the military. Because of my vast military expertise I was quickly promoted up the ranks. I salute you all, my former capitalist brethren.

An Open Letter to Korean Children

Dear Children,

There's something we need to discuss. I'm leaving soon, and I don't think I'm likely to return. As much as I can enjoy your company, I can say that I've enjoyed spending many an hour a day with you, teaching you and learning a few things from you. A lot of you are great, and I'm sure you'll mature into accomplished adults. Some of you "need to work harder," in the parlance of teachers. And some of you are snot nosed spoiled bastards who I'll miss about as much as I'll miss the bi-weekly head colds your incessant sneezing gifted me.

There's still a lot you need to learn, of course, and most of that I can't teach you. But there is one area where I can help. Please listen.

Enough with the fingers up the ass. Enough. I don't want your fingers in my ass. There is no little part of me that desires this, not even in a joking way. I get no joy from it. I get no joy from scolding you about it. There is nothing about the experience that pleases me. Were there, you might see me trying to recreate it from time to time, but I ask you, children, when was the last time I shoved my index fingers up your bum?

(For those not in the know, this is a favorite sadistic 'game' Korean boys [and to some extent the girls] like to play. When you're distracted and have your backside turned to them, they'll sneak up, touch their index fingers together and then try to shove them as far up your asshole as they can. And no, I'm not joking. Really, I'm not joking. They really do this. Seriously.)

The answer to the question is: never. Not ever. Not once has little Sung Pil twisted his underdeveloped features into an expression of primitive puzzlement while trying to figure out what that strange sensation in his body's nether regions is, only to relax those features again upon the unsurprising discovery that it was the playful Wayne-teacher's index fingers producing said sensation. This has not happened. You see, there are some lines of playfulness I will not cross, and one of them is the asshole.

So...it's time to stop. Please stop. The fingers in my bum do not endear you to me in any way. It's not fun, it's not funny, it's got to go. And let's face it, your country is already unconsciously gay enough as it is, what, with the dudes fondling/grooming each other constantly and the saunas everywhere...do you really need to go around fingering each other?

Stop it.

From Youtube

Fuck you McDonald's, II

Check this out boys and girls. McDonald's seeks patents on sandwich making -

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,232373,00.html

On some bright sunny day in the not too distant future you could violate patent laws by making a sandwich in your own home! Yay!

More Korean Video

Fuck you, McDonald's

FYI. I don't live in America. I exist more or less outside of the McDonald's umbrella...which means that there're only 2 or 3 Micky D's within a mile of where I'm sitting, instead of, say, 20. And I only visit McDonald's once, maybe twice a month these days...which given my history and normal eating patterns back home is pretty fucking rare, trust me.

But I couldn't let this pass.

I was reading my hometown paper's website today and I saw an ad at the top of the screen for, get this, the 'McRib Farewell Tour II.' 2. As in, we already had a fucking farewell tour for the McRib last year, but you stupid suckers'll come crawling back for some more of that pink gooey BBQ sauce covered shit so we're gonna have another go at it.

Where the fuck do these McDonald's assholes get off? It's like they're not even trying anymore. You know these advertising types were just sitting around in their office doing their usual intellectual masturbation and one of them was like, "d00ds, we totally need to bring back the McRib, coz the idiots who eat our shit haven't cottoned on to that whole carrot and stick thing we've got going on...but how to bring it back? We retired it last year, d00ds!"

And then d00d 2 was all like "why don't we just have another Farewell Tour, you know, like all of those aging rockers who keep coming back for another tour to squeeze a few more dimes out of their decrepit geriatric fan base whose pathetic existence is periodically rejustified by lurid bands of grandfathers singing about sexual liberties and the political issues of 50 years ago...and to pretend to be 'cool' and 'in on' the whole thing we'll call it Farewell Tour II."

"Great idea, Chad," says d00d 1. "And we can design this whole hipster internet site that will totally speak to the rock and roll generation whom we will be exploiting and simultaneously appealing to purchase our disgusting product."

Which is what they did. Check it out-

http://www.mcrib.com./

I encourage you to visit this website. Marvel at the depths to which Western civilization has sunk. Introduce yourself to the weirdly gesticulating late 20s/early 30s ish woman (young enough to appeal to 60 year olds but old enough for it to not be entirely creepy) who greets mcrib.com's visitors. She encourages us to "rock out" with "t-shirts, downloads" and other merchandise. She wears a shirt with a picture of a bone on it with a cross through it. No boners? I have to admit I don't get that one. After she's said her spiel she rocks her head back and forth repeatedly, obsessively crosses and uncrosses her arms, while the mcrib band performs a sound check in the background. Throngs of people who've apparently been worked up into a frenzy over the 2nd coming of the mcrib sandwich teem in the background, they've gathered themselves together to pay homage to a disgusting slab of processed meat.

My thanks to Mcdonald's for restoring my faith in the worst of humanity.

Thanks Mom + Dad

Now I just have to eat all of that....I had the collards and some mashed potatoes for dinner last night...it was good...

Today in Seoul...

So I went into Seoul today to run a few errands and whatnot...I wound up picking up an iPod...what can I say, I'd been thinking about getting one for a while and decidede to splurge. But the point of this post is related to this article -

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20061125/ap_on_bi_ge/skorea_us_free_trade

I was in Gwanghwamun when this was going down and I actually checked it out. A few pics not featured in the story you read above:

Of Birthday Parties...

We had our monthly birthday party today. A coupla blog worthy pics.

I think I'm becoming an ajoshi

For those not in the know, an ajoshi is an older married Korean man who is deserving of respect because he can pass out drunk on soju on the sidewalk, force his way to the front of any line, and treat the world and his supposed inferiors with contempt. Apparently.



Anyway, I say this not because I long ago abandoned any pretense of courtesy and any notion of kindness to strangers and started elbowing my way through teeming throngs of eldery Korean grandmothers with the best of them. Nor do I say this because public drinking out in front of the convenience store has long been an unquestioned habit for me here in Korea. Nor is it because on the way home a few nights ago I crashed my bike (I was completely wasted at the time - riding my bike home for a few miles seemed like a good idea at the time) and made a complete ass outta myself and fucked up my knee a little bit, check it out:

No, I say this because today I was walking home from work. The wind was blowing. It was cool, but not uncomfortable. My mind was on something else. I'd had a pizza the night before, and a few Cass to wash it down. So without even thinking about it, way out there in the middle of the public arena, I let fly a rip roarin fart.

I didn't even realize what I'd done until it was over. A woman walking nearby totally heard it, and probably caught a whiff of it, too. She gave me a surprised, not shocked, and an offended, but by no means appalled, look. Sure, she's heard ajoshis fart in public all the time, but never a waygookin, still, there was something about this one that made it so it wasn't ALL wrong. I suppose I almost looked the part, I do after all carry a stately paunch around with me most everywhere I go.

But what was really enlightening about the whole incident, and what made me realize I was approaching a higher level of ajoshi consciousness, was that I just didn't care. It didn't bother me what this woman thought...fuck it, if I wanted to fart who was she to question me? Who cares if she has to be exposed to my noxious drafts? I've got that right, haven't I?

I suppose there are worse fates.

I found another way to waste time

So the other day I realized the camera I'd bought 6 months ago, the same one I'd pretty much let sit unmolested on my counter for the past few months, can record low quality video and sound. After making and deleting a bunch of really tedious videos wherein I walk around my apartment and marvel at the squalor I decided to take it to school the other day. I recorded an unfortunately long and dull "discussion" with my 1st year students during lunch. Its length is only matched by its incomprehensibility, but, the kids are cute. Enjoy.

I liked this

Yes, I'm starting to get fed up with Korea

Here's some news from the country I temporarily (thank gawd...) call home that'll brighten your day.

Koreans have the highest suicide rate among countries in the developed world.

Cheers!

Various Pictures

Since Lee has failed in the modest task that was his charge and has not sent me the pictures stored on his camera from his visit, and since I've got my computer up and running again, and since I made a weekend trip down to Mokpo and have some pictures from that, I'm gonna go ahead and give ya what I've got.

I had to put these up in a slideshow thing, and sorta out of order, b/c of various technical issues. But these are all from the last month or so; most were taken during Lee's visit, a few were taken this past weekend in Mokpo (mostly the ones from atop the mountain - yes, I actually hiked this weekend).

I guess I should update my blog

So, it's been over a month and I haven't really written anything down here. Here's an update on life in the land of the morning tedium...

I had (one of my 3) week long vacations during the first week in August. It was a blast. Lee visited from the states, and it was fun introducing him to all of the craziness of this place. We spent the bookending weekends in/around Seoul, and during the actual week we were on the road for the most part...we stayed in Gyeongju and Yeousu...both cities had a distinct feel and both were very different from Seoul, that's for sure. I enjoyed them both, especially Yeousu, and I'll probably be returning to it before I leave Korea.

I've got lots of pictures from that week, but you'll not find them in this post dear reader b/c a)I've yet to receive Lee's pictures via email, which for the most part were better than mine and naturally featured me in the image more (and so of course they'll be worth the wait) and b)my hard drive on my brand new laptop died the other day, and I've yet to resolve that problem.

That's right. My laptop that I bought, like, 3 months ago had had enough of this world and decided to prematurely shuffle off this mortal coil. Well, at least its hard drive had. I suppose that's the equivalent of dying from a broken heart. Anyway I haven't yet made the trip to Yongsan to try and sort out all of the mess, so, well, it's not all bad news because in the last few days I've been able to rekindle my love affair with noisy, smoke-filled Korean PC bangs (that's pronounced bahhngs, by the way, not the other, funnier sounding way).

Anyway, pictures of that week are forthcoming, but likely won't appear until both (a) and (b) are resolved.

Work continues to make its daily demands on me. The job's still none too difficult, it' s just none too interesting, either. I like the kids, and to a certain extent I enjoy being around them and teaching them, but, as I told Lee on the final Sunday of my vacation before I was to return to work, after what you might say were more than a few, "you know, I've been away from the little buggers for 9 days now, and you might think that in that period, after having spent so much time with them for the past 5 months, that I might once have missed them, or at least missed one of the good ones, one of the smart and kind ones that make the job a little fun sometimes, or you might at least suspect that in that period I would have thought about them once, that something would have reminded me of a bungled phrase they're fond of or something clever one of them said, but I haven't, in this period I've not once thought about them, I didn't even consider them. Not once." I guess I was too busy, ya know, having fun. So maybe being a teacher ain't the way to go.

But, hey, it pays the bills.

What else is worth mentioning? Things I remember from the last month: An epic game of Risk (yes, Risk, the geeky boardgame...) in which my fortunes rose and fell as swiftly as the little pin moves up and down on the, uh, earthquake detecting machine...during an earthquake, and which ended with me (represented by a lone soldier piece) exiled, Napoleon like, on the island of Tasmania in the outskirts of Sean's vast empire. Seis-something? I'm not gonna look it up. I participated in and won (along with my group) a quiz competition at the Goose and had to help write the next week's quiz (which was last night and which had a really big crowd). My category? Quotes from famous Waynes. It was the hardest category of the bunch, see if ya can figure two of the more obscure ones which stumped the Goose crowd:

"Our officers and men fought like men who are determined to be free."

"Gun control measures always collapse under the gentlest burden of common sense."

I saw some amazing old American movies at this theater in Seoul, the highlights were For a Few Dollars More and Casablanca. Oh, I had a "meeting" with the parents of my preschoolers (more like a presentation) in which I had to assess each student's progress (in the best possible light) in front of the assembled ajumma-geois. That was fun. Joanne translated for me. Marina's (my new 'boss,' after they canned Sophia -did I talk about that? what a fucking disgrace that whole incident was- yeah anyway Sophia, who was a teacher before she was our manager, was just amazing, she befriended everyone and ran the morning crew really well; she was forced to resign because she was too friendly with us and not friendly enough with management, at least that's what I was told, there may've been other reasons, but from where I'm standing it looked and looks like a mistake) totality of advice before the meeting was something like "please...to smile more..."

It went fine, as far as I can tell. Mr Jong still bows and contorts his moon face into a half smile when I pass him in the building, so I assume things're ok. But I am so fucking sick of being told to smile more. I sometimes feel like this is how the Joker got his start, and that like him I'm going to wind up as some sort of pale giggling loon if I keep listening to the pointers these clowns give me.

Next week marks the 6 month period, and as such pretty much every afternoon teacher's contract is up. Basically no one, and I mean no one, is staying. Of the 10 afternoon teachers whose contracts expire, only 1 is renewing, and hers is on a tentative basis as I understand. Julia, the afternoon boss, is already gone (she just disappeared last week, and a few days later in a meeting it was mentioned that she'd long felt guilty about holding her position because she believed herself to be unqualified...she was, and she was a terrible manager, but that just sounds like more grade A SLP horseshit to me). Katy is the only waygookin who's sticking around, and that's only b/c she signed her contract at the same time as the morning teachers, and has 6 more months. Joey and Sean have already found other jobs around here, Jim (the guy who's been there for 9 years) is going somewhere else or just doing privates (he's married to a Korean so he can do them legally) and Joe is still looking for a place. This time next week there will be 9 or 10 new faces in the office, and 4 of them will be white. Interesting times, I guess.

That's it for now, I spose.